BREAKING: Aliens Invade Earth's Orbit, NASA Linguists Rush To Uncover Their Love Languages
HOUSTON, TX—It was announced on Thursday by acting NASA administrator Steve Jurczyk that in response to the appearance of a vast armada of threatening alien vessels in orbit around the Earth, an emergency task force has been formed with the sole mission of identifying the aliens' love language.
“As scientists, we are governed first and foremost by the 1992 Gary Chapman self-help book The Five Love Languages," said Jurczyk, flipping a tarot card. “Our best chance of averting annihilation at the hands of these aliens is to figure out how we can show them our love in a way they understand.”
NASA’s team, led by Dr. Amy Sanders, faces what some are calling an impossible task: learning and becoming fluent in the love language of an intelligent alien race without any common means of communication.
“Our early efforts centered on basic geometric concepts,” said Sanders. “We transmitted an image of a circle, to which they responded with a square. We answered with a heart, and they replied with another heart. This was exciting. We think it may imply that the love language of the aliens might be Words of Affirmation, which is good because I show love by vocalizing my feelings. Unfortunately, then the aliens vaporized Brazil, so we're back to square one.”
Meanwhile, NASA’s counterparts at the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency were proceeding with the theory that the love language of the aliens is Receiving Gifts, mounting a nationwide effort to present the aliens with a gift of fruits, meat, and a variety of cultural artifacts. Unfortunately, this was followed by a 24-hour time freeze on Japan in which all its inhabitants seemed to be frozen in time.
“While this may mean the love language of the aliens is not receiving gifts, satellite imaging suggesting the mass teleportation of aliens into Japanese cities does open the simultaneous possibility that the Japanese have successfully hit on the love language of Quality Time—or have all been killed.”
Additionally, reports have emerged from Topeka, Kansas, of 44-year-old farmer Dale Caldwell stumbling upon an injured alien hiding in his barn, sparking initial hopes that nursing it back to health would prove the love language of the aliens to be Acts Of Service. But his widow quickly threw cold water on the notion.
“Yeah, the alien tore Dale apart the second he tried to get the bear trap off of it,” said Lenora Caldwell. “Now, if you ask me, their love language is probably Physical Touch. Someone just needs to get these aliens laid.”
NASA administrator Jurczyk expressed hope that someone would be task force leader Amy Sanders, though she's not responded to the sexual proposition.
“All the pieces are there," Jurczyk confided. "She’s professionally motivated to learn the love language of the aliens, and personally motivated by the tragic death of her fiancé Daniel, in whose form we hope the alien leader will appear to her. The only thing I'm worried about is that she's a Virgo and until we know the sign of the alien we have no way of telling if they'll be sexually compatible. Virgos are fickle."
