Georgia Govt. Considering Adding Laser Fields At Polling Stations For Just One More Fuck You To Black Voters

Fresh off successfully botching another Georgia primary election and throttling democracy once again, Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger hoped to keep the momentum going by announcing plans to install a laser field at the entrance of polling stations to put yet another barrier between black people and voting.

“I know that we already purge voters from registries for no reason, delay the distribution of absentee ballots, close polling stations and move them farther away, and purposely supply faulty machines that are difficult to operate which lead to excessively long lines, but I think I want to add the intricate laser field system seen in Ocean’s 11 just to be safe,” laughed Raffensperger, adding that he would rather spend millions of dollars on a military-grade, anti-espionage laser grid than to risk the chance of one successful black vote.

While some people in his office are unsure of the legality of the lasers, Raffensperger assured the skeptics that he can essentially do whatever the fuck he wants under the guise of protecting elections from non-existent voter fraud. His biggest concern, however, is whether the laser systems can be installed before the 2020 general election.

“These things take a long time to implement and test. All the time and energy I don’t use to create free and fair elections will be devoted to this project," said Raffensperger. "We need puzzle experts to design it. I hired the Angry Birds guys. We need heist experts to test it. I hired Tom Cruise. These lasers are going to look so fucking cool and they're gonna hurt like shit."

At press time, Raffensperger was seen watching old clips of The Price Is Right and scribbling down ways to convert a Plinko machine into a voting machine.

“If black people somehow overcome my voting obstacle course, including the laser grid, and somehow reach a voting machine, I want to make sure there is still only a 30% probability their vote will be cast for the candidate they wanted.”