Supreme Court Drafts Ruling Overturning Roe v. Wade For All Women Excluding The Justices' Family, Friends, Occasional Flings
Washington, D.C.—Thousands of people panicked across the country when the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade was leaked on Tuesday Night. However, Justices Alito, and Kavanaugh, who both voted to strike down Roe, have stressed that certain women—specifically those closely connected with the Justices—can remain calm and keep aborting.
“When we voted to overturn Roe v. Wade, we didn’t mean that abortions would be unavailable to our friends and family! We hope that our close circle knows that we always have their backs,” said Alito while padlocking the Women’s restroom at the court. “You never know what they can do unsupervised.”
Justice Kavanaugh also offered reassuring words to his inner circle. “My boys! You will always have access to abortion!" said Kavanaugh while crushing a Rolling Rock between hearings. "You never know when some 17-year-old bitch accuses one of us of fathering her child. That would ruin our lives and break families apart and I’d never let that happen."
However, Alito and Kavanaugh have stressed that women and men who are not in their inner political, business, or family circle, will have no access to abortion.
“Unless you get impregnated by a Senator, someone from Big Pharma, or my son when he drinks too much, then you’re shit out of luck.” Said Alito while burning tampons and pads on the front lawn. “I never understood what these were for when women should be pregnant constantly.”
“All I have to say to the women who claim they’ll die if they get an illegal abortion is, maybe you should have not worn that turtleneck to the party at 2 AM or had complications in pregnancy,” said Kavanaugh while he and Justice Barrett drunkenly locked Justice Sonia Sotomayor out of court.
Barrett also had some encouraging words for her inner circle.
“I promise that my daughters, granddaughters, sons, and the CEO of Exxon will always have access to safe abortions. I’d never inconvenience them like that! That would be cruel.”
For now, the Justices along with Senators and House Representatives, hope this blows over.
“We’re too busy to respond to backlash right now especially when we’re working day and night to overturn same-sex and interracial marriages," said Alito. "which even our inner circle wouldn’t have access to.
Gorsuch has yet to elaborate on his confirming vote, claiming he has yet to interact with a woman.
