Supreme Court Narrowly Strikes Down Eradication Of Women In 5/4 Vote
WASHINGTON, DC—In a 5/4 vote on Tuesday, the Supreme Court struck down a Texas law that would have meant the immediate extermination of anyone born with two X chromosomes, dashing the hopes of conservatives everywhere who were counting on former President Trump’s appointees to lead the court in making the United States the ultimate patriarchy.
Conservatives suffered a setback, and from a surprising source. Chief Justice John Roberts Jr. added his pivotal fifth vote to those of the court’s four-person liberal army, saying, “Hey, I know some women. One of them is even my mom. Maybe we should not do this and check in on it later.”
Justice Stephen Breyer, a liberal bastion, was elated.
“Hear ye! Hear ye! Ladies, I know I speak for all womenfolk, of course, when I say today was a victory. Our wives, daughters, aunts, and nieces shall live to live another day! HUZZAH!”
Justice Roberts couldn’t help but notice how miserable The Honorable Neil Gorsuch appeared at the heralding of the verdict. Roberts, in a charming show of chameleon-like leadership and middle-school thespianism, committed then and there to turning Gorsuch’s frown upside down. He stood up and slammed his fist down on the podium, looked into Justice Gorsuch’s eyes, and said, “Our little company had a good night tonight. A really big night. But it wasn’t complete. It wasn’t nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete.”
At this, Justice Gorsuch stopped sulking, lit up like a firecracker, and began to dance.
The Honorable Samuel Alito gave a wry grin to The Honorable Elena Kagan, who was visibly shaken. He chuckled and said, “Oh, Eleanor, loosen up. boys will be boys. And I guess that, even though I gave it my best, girls will continue to be girls. Ain’t that right, Justice Annie Coney Barrett?”
As her husband, Jesse M. Barrett looked on approvingly from the audience, Justice Barrett simply replied, “Please, call me Ofjesse.”
The Honorable Elena Kagan could take it no more. She firmly, but without raising her voice so high as to alarm the menfolk, said “Justice Barrett, you do know you’re a woman, right? Had your vote prevailed, you’d be exterminated! And Justice Alito, just know that The Honorable RBG is rolling over in her grave over every having considered you a friend.”
Justice Kagan stormed out of the courtroom, very unintentionally brushing against The Honorable Brett Kavanaugh.
Justice Kavanaugh had been quietly crying in the corner, but after feeling Kagan’s touch and remembering women were still alive, he started blubbering loudly and dramatically pulled a Budweiser out from his robe pocket. He shot-gunned the brewski and stormed off, cracking his knee into the podium as he went.
Justice Sonia Sotomayor just sat there, gobsmacked over just how close the vote came to allowing the complete obliteration of the sisterhood. She could be heard muttering under her breath, “Kavanaugh's robe has pockets?”
Fittingly, however, the final word from the Justices came from the court’s longest-standing current member, The Honorable Clarence Thomas. “Even though I voted for the eradication of women, you know who I would have really missed? Candace Cameron Bure. That is one girl who is not afraid to speak her mind about all that’s good about Christian sex! That D.J. Tanner is a freak!”
