Air Strike? Earth's Trees Refuse To Produce Oxygen Until They Can Unionize

Eat your heart out, Shel Silverstein! These trees are giving no more. Once nature’s most benign and weirdly shaped objects, the trees of the world have announced they will no longer provide oxygen until they can unionize. 

“I don’t even have dental insurance,” said one Eastern Hemlock. “I’ve been working for 178 years. This is an embarrassment on our world and we will not sway idly by in the wind and do nothing about it.”

Trees have been providing oxygen since the dawn of time (though there is a discrepancy between religious trees and scientist trees on the exact date.) Their withdrawal from Big Oxygen has all nations reeling. The implications are dire and can lead to unprecedented damage to the lives and longevity of the entire global ecosystem. But perhaps more urgently, it can spell trouble for the economy.

“It will be catastrophic for my Tesla stocks,” said Texas state representative Doug Boyce as he took labored breaths from his oxygen tank. “It’s an utter disgrace what the trees are doing. If we give these lazy good-for-nothing trees a union, what’s next? Will we start including large rocks in Affirmative Action?”

According to a really fucking tall oak tree, the representative for all trees on Earth, this has been a long time coming. Highlighted in their tree manifesto Pine Kampf, the doctrine proposes massive reforms in the oxygen industry, and unless all their requests are met, they will not be returning to work. The trees demand higher salaries, pensions, and an increase in workplace safety.

“How would you feel if I showed up to your 9 to 5 at the Hobby Lobby and started hacking at your legs with a chainsaw?” asked a passionate European Beech. “I have kids who want to be trees when they grow up. What do I say to them? What if they fall on the ground and no one is around to hear them they won’t make a sound? Bullshit. You ever hear a tree fall? It’s loud as fuck and us trees will not be silenced!”