Op-Ed: We Must Protect The Sephora So My Daughter Can Steal From It
The cable news would never tell you that the looting of expensive retail stores in the wealthiest parts of Chicago was in response to my team, the Chicago Police Department’s shooting a 20-year-old, and then further antagonizing the neighborhood.
They will tell you that chains like the Lincoln Park Apple Store and high-end stores down the Magnificent Mile suffered devastating property damage and loss of inventory. And thank god—as a Chicago police officer, seeing property damage angers me, and should be taken seriously. As a longstanding member of the Chicago Police Department, it is my responsibility to serve and protect only the people and places that I like. So I will fight to the death to protect that one Sephora on Michigan so that my daughter can continue shoplifting from it.
When I joined the CPD, I did it to protect my community as I see it. There are so many things that make our city beautiful, from our food to our architecture to our deep commitment to segregation. And to me, maintaining that history means protecting the pricey real estate that actually only exists because it displaced people that already lived there. Some would say that’s sad, but others would say that now we have a Nutella Cafe.
It is a monument for a better tomorrow—a better tomorrow where my daughter can steal multiple “Own It Butt Sheet Masks - Balancing + Purifying” and even a “Quad Eyeshadow Palette” from Sephora, call an employee an "ugly ass bitch" and then go on with her day. If she ever gets stopped by security (she won't), she can cry until they let her go. Or, worst-case scenario, they can call my colleagues and bring her to me, and I can give her a stern talking-to about the value of not getting caught in wrongdoing—something I strive for every day at my "Shoot-Em-Ups," which is what us CPD guys call our beats.
And this isn’t an easy job. Every morning, I wake up. I eat ten cheese cubes for breakfast. I punch a hole in my Punching Wall (separate from my Kicking Wall). I hit my Hitting Wife (separate from my other wife). And then I go to work. You would not believe the stress my family is under every day, not knowing if I’m going to come home at night. And to be fair, sometimes I can’t come home, because I have to see my second family. And I do it not only so that my daughter can be a cute little criminal, but so that all her friends can too.
And sure, maybe I should tell her not to steal. And sure, maybe she will grow up in a world where she is treated with impunity because she is my daughter. And sure, do not ask to see my complaint record unless you want to taste the end of my baton. But on the other hand, why not let her shove a fistful of lip glosses into her purse every once in a while? She's just a girl! She's only 28-years-old.
I promise to enter schools, and neighborhoods that don’t want me, and other public spaces, all so I can ensure the safety of my daughter’s favorite Sephora to shoplift from, and Sephoras everywhere. In the words of Lori Lightfoot, “Raise the bridges and go to brunch, gals!”
