Where You Think You Going With All That? Top 5 Thickest Brand Mascots
In our consumer culture, we are surrounded by brand mascots at every turn. Luckily for me though, some of them are thick as hell and I'm looking. Here are the top 5 thickest brand mascots (in no particular thickness)!
The Michelin Man
People often ask what is the Michelin Man and I’m here to tell you...that he is thick. Firm rubbery, bouncy thick. The average joe would say that the Michelin Man is “tubby,” but those who can appreciate a mascot’s body know that this is straight car tire cake. His body is literally nothing but curves. I buy tires and I don’t even own a car!
Kool-Aid Man
This one is obvious. Kool-Aid Man is a stir-him-with-a-spoon type of thick. You can’t bust through a wall without having a curvaceous, glassy body-ody-ody. Kool-Aid Man is the original redbone. The first time I saw him, the first words that came into my head were “Oh yeah!”
Pillsbury Doughboy
Talk about biscuits bustin' out the can. Pillsbury's slutty little Doughboy is TTHHHHIIIICCCC. Good god. Everyone keeps touching his stomach just to see him wiggle, jiggle, and giggle. What I would give to smack that ass and bake some cookies with that phat-ass little flour man.
Mrs. Butterworth
Three words. "Dummy," "Thicc," and "Maple" I guess. Have you seen that frame? I keep her bottle after I finish it. I don’t know what marketing genius came up with the idea of having her body being the bottle, but they deserve a raise and their picture framed in the hallway. Shit, she’s so fine I had to give up Aunt Jemima—and not for the racist reasons. Listen, I don’t know—nor have I ever seen—Mr. Butterworth, but all I know is I better not catch him slipping next time I eat some flapjacks!
All The M&Ms
Let this selection be a lesson that thickness comes in all colors. Doesn’t matter if they’re filled with milk chocolate or peanuts or pretzels, M&Ms will always steal the show. Even though their personalities are different, they all share one characteristic that has me coming back every time. You can’t just eat them one by one. Oh no. They’re at their best when they all melt in your mouth at once. I want to fuck the green one.
