US Apologizes For Drone Strike On Wrong Civilian Target

In a rare first, the United States apologized for killing innocent children in a drone strike in Afghanistan. They then acknowledged they were trying to kill a different group of innocent children mistaken for ISIS-Pre-K.

The Secretary of Defense solemnly explained, “Our inaccurate intelligence clearly indicated that we ought to have hit the nine children playing soccer in a field, not the seven children in the house nearby. We regret this terrible mistake and plan to rectify it immediately by taking out the intended children."

He further added, "The drone program has done wonders in our war efforts, especially when coupled with the systematic dehumanization of civilians in whatever brown country we're carrying out the strikes—take your pick. Without these, we would not have succeeded, like we did, in our Afghanistan mission. Very rarely, I'd say maybe about 50% of the time, do we get our intelligence wrong and kill civilians. But we must acknowledge when that happens."

House Intelligence Committee chief welcomed the first step in transparency but called for “a deep investigation that will last a few days until the noise around this incident dies down and the drones can go back to doing what they do best.”

In a gesture usually reserved only for American children, he even offered his thoughts and prayers to the victims’ families.