Liberals Long for a Traditional President, One Who Bombs Brown Countries and Overthrows Governments Quietly
“I miss him.”
“Sometimes I wonder what things would be like if he were here.” says 28-year-old Ansley Williams, barely able to finish her sentence as she wipes a cascade of tears from her eyes. Williams is one of thousands of liberals who has spent hours agonizing, longing, and occasionally masturbating to the thought of having a leader like former president, Barack Obama.
“When Obama was President, I can confidently say that every single person I know felt at ease.” Williams says as she flips through a scrapbook of Obama she made with the help of her support group, Democrats Protecting Immigrants and Muslims. She points to a particularly handsome photo of him.
“Here’s from the day he announced—for the 20th time—that he was going to close Guantanamo Bay. I used to protest the ‘detention center’ every single day during the Bush Administration, but when Obama was in power, I just knew I would never have to care again. And boy, was I right.”
Williams is part of a large number of affluent liberals who have recently expressed a desire to return to a “normal presidency.” Like many of her friends, Williams remembers the president for being an expert negotiator, a champion of human rights, and most importantly: an exceptional basketball player who annihilates his competition on (and off) the court.
“I really think he brought the same competitive and sportsmanlike energy to the Situation Room ,” Williams said, visibly horny, adding: “I can just imagine him saying ‘good game’ when he completed his humanitarian work in Somalia, with the drone strikes or whatever. ‘Good game.’ Wow. I’m wet.”
Some Obama supporters have only recently become aware of his foreign policies including Dan Puzzles, a long time liberal and current Biden supporter.
“I can’t believe I never knew about the drone strikes. It just makes the guy so much more impressive because he didn’t bring drama home. Now a days, if a stupid village is bombed, I know that our Orange-In-Chief will brag about it! Ha, Orange-In-Chief. Did you hear when I said Orange-In-Chief?”
Puzzles added that he misses having a President for the people.
“Obama did everything for the working class, like when he bailed out JPMorgan, Morgan Stanley, Goldman Sachs, Ronald McDonald, Scrooge McDuck, Lex Luthor and others. It did this thing for the economy, like it trickled down for the people at my dad’s independent vacuum store, Suckers.”
Puzzles and Williams have both been actively and tirelessly protesting Trump’s policies and have expressed activist fatigue.
“We’re non-stop protesting his policies, combating voter manipulation, all while fighting toxic people online who are so anti-democratic that they don’t want Biden in power. I wish they’d realize that we could go back to simpler times where our president would share his favorite playlists with us while simultaneously building detention centers and deporting people left, right and center. Obama likes Drake! I like Drake too. And I abhor the Middle East.”
“Also, he supported Biden! Well, he did eventually. Let’s go back to normal.”
