Official Statement From South Asians For Trump 2020: 'He Means Those OTHER Immigrants'

Good Afternoon, My fellow Americans.  

(Thank you for being patient with the technical difficulties, as none of our children wanted to help us set this up.) 

Election Day is upon us. And we as Indian Americans have a simple choice to make: The socialist Joe Biden, or our friend, my friend, President Donald Trump. 

As he said in 2016, he loves the Hindus and he has kept to his word on loving the Hindus! We invited him to be a keynote speaker here today, but he had previous engagements, some boys he’s proud of, or something. 

President Trump has built strong ties to our community and our beloved leader: The Great Prime Minister Narendra Modi. He has shared our concern with the economy, and our skepticism of Muslims, but no thanks to these “P.C.” Democrats, he alas could do nothing.     

To put it simply: Trump is our most Indian President! He went to an Ivy League business school, throws extravagant weddings, loves gold, and forces his family into a generational business regardless of their true interests. He even debates like we do (and should): yell over everyone, dominate the conversation, especially if you have zero knowledge of the subject. Most importantly, he never forgets to pepper his argument with false equivocations.

I know much of our community fears his immigration policy may be kicking out all immigrants, including "us." This is complete and utter nonsense! This is the fear-mongering from the radical left, or as we call them: “our bloody children.”

Let’s be clear: he doesn’t mean "us" immigrants. He means those other guys. You know, the caravans from the Southern Border bringing halal and avocados! And that is good! Because avocado on food is getting out of hand. I mean, what’s wrong with regular toast?! And they won’t even put avocado on naan! That’s true racism.

But as we know about America, they can definitely tell the difference between those people and our people. They love our yoga and turmeric, right? I mean, we are the original Aryans, so they have to keep us around. 

People complain about how tough the immigration process is, but it is actually so simple. All they need to do is pay thousands of dollars, apply for a visa, know someone in the states, have a professional degree from a university, wait for years, work towards a green card while also working towards a Ph.D. from a good university, get sponsored, and take a citizenship test! Easy and one, two, three.

I’m aware one of our “own” is the Vice Presidential candidate for the Democrats, Kamala Harris. But she’s not really one of us, guys. Her mom may be from Tamil Nadu, but she can’t even speak Hindi! Did you know she’s not even married? How is she going to keep a country together when she can’t even attract a husband?

We must remind our community why Donald Trump is our President! That’s why I am announcing our very own South Asians for Pence and Trump 2020! Or, as we are calling it, “SAPT’d 2020!”

We reached out to all the South Asian American celebrities we know of and they immediately told us to fuck off. No matter! Ajit Pai, Bobby Jindal, Seema Varma, the professor from Short Circuit 2, and Hank Azaria are all confirmed speakers! Help us get the word out by messaging your WhatsApp threads #SAPT’d2020. The apostrophe will work in the hashtag, trust me.