Time Traveler Who Killed Infant Jeff Bezos Confronted By Bezos Time Clone 'Bezos^2'
ROTTERDAM, NETHERLANDS—Police rushed to a chaotic scene at Rotterdam’s Euromast tower and five-star restaurant of smashed cakes and champagne glasses and angry taunts of “I’ll kill you!” The officers politely asked Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos if he would kindly release his death grip from the neck of internationally-famous and outed time traveler “Quantum Kennedy” (born Robert Allan Kennedy).
Slowly, Bezos loosened his vice-like grip from Kennedy’s throat, allowing him to breathe again. Kennedy was able to stand up and walk away from the red-faced tycoon as friends held Bezos back, insisting: “it’s not worth it, Jeff the Almighty! You can just buy him.”
The Amazon tycoon was in a rage when he learned that Quantum Kennedy had returned from the past after killing the infant Jeff Bezos, removing Bezos from this Earth's timeline. News of the baby’s death in 1964 has been confirmed and a second Bezos had to intervene from a different timeline to replace the now missing primary Bezos.
“I was only trying to save the lives of people who would have otherwise died working in a factory during a tornado and the millions of people killed in the 2030 and 2031 Amazon Prime Purges," said Kennedy to the police as he adjusted the date, time, and geo-locations on his Clockstoppers wristwatch. "Oops! You're not supposed to know about that yet. Anyway, peace out!"
Police were unable to apprehend Kennedy in the present before he dematerialized into the future. The officers are still baffled at the scene and have made no arrests thus far.
Bezos released a prepared statement defending his assault: “People who know me well understand I’m not the type who would hold anything against someone for merely killing babies. That's fine. However, this time criminal should face the full penalty of the law for his murdering of the younger me of this universe. Thankfully for the world and Amazon stockholders, I have multiple time clones of myself in thousands of different timelines. Sorta like Donnie Darko, now streaming on Prime.”
To understand how Bezos could still be alive, reporters consulted world-famous astrophysicist Neil Degrasse Tyson who explained that Einstein’s general theory of relativity showed how time and space can be warped in certain zones like a cloth stretched by billiard balls through the force of gravity. Under extreme gravitational conditions—such as those found in black holes—time and space can collapse to a standstill and even reverse, opening up the possibility of time travel. The paradox of going back in time and killing your grandfather to prevent your birth, which in turn would stop you from being able to go back in time to kill your grandfather in the first place no longer exists if there are parallel times, as quantum physics has long suggested parallel universes. Tyson also mentioned stars for some reason.
It's still unclear how Bezos made it into adulthood in this universe if he was also killed in this universe—unless he wasn’t. Leaked sources in the financial world have raised the possibility that Bezos bought this universe with the profits he acquired in the Covid pandemic of this Earth's timeline. Astrophysical financial consultants also surmise that Bezos may have supplemented his wealth from various pandemics, wars, and genocides from other Earths in other timelines.
Born in the 22nd century, Kennedy has gained fame for using time-traveling technology not yet invented in an array of high-profile stunts. His prior effort to kill a teenage Hitler failed when the future fuhrer’s father drank from the tainted beer mug instead. This tragedy traumatized Hitler and inspired him to... well, you know the rest.
It was a crippling defeat for Kennedy and the world, which inspired the time traveler to make good on his new promise to take out Bezos, which also failed.
This is also not the first time Kennedy’s actions have sparked outrage in our time. His attempts to convince Pontius Pilate to change Jesus of Nazareth’s penalty from death to twenty-five years with the possibility of time off for good behavior earned condemnation from modern officials at the Vatican and Christian leaders around the world. Kennedy’s project Dinosaur Sanctuary, utilizing 23rd-century technology to build protective shields around the Earth to protect dinosaurs and vegetation, launched approximately 65 million years ago, has angered a few people insisting that dinosaurs need to go extinct to enable the rise of mammals upon the Earth.
No word on what Kennedy has planned for R Kelly at this time.
