Jeff Bezos Prefers Protesters Guillotine Him At His Second Summer Home
Demonstrators set up a guillotine in front of Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos’ house on Thursday, demanding that he pay Amazon employees a living wage. Bezos felt disrespected by the action, saying that instead of lashing out in front of his home, he would prefer that protesters guillotine him at his second summer home.
“That’s where the guillotining is supposed to happen. That’s where I’ve imagined it,” said Bezos, while doing the robot. “This is my first home. My summer home on my private island on my private continent is where I spend the warm season. And my second summer home on my other private island is where I would prefer for my head to be sliced off by an angry mob. If you really want to place my meaty little neck into that cold, cold contraption, you have to show that you’re willing to make the effort to meet me at my Guillotine Home.”
Bezos’ Guillotine Home is one of his many other residences. His other homes include the Buzz Buzz Full of Bees House (non-sexual), Popping Bubble Wrap Abode (extremely sexual), and the Feeding House (home where Bezos hooks his teeth into kitchen appliances until he feels recharged).
“I just think that if they want to kill me, they should drive to the airport, fly to the Philippines, take a boat to my secret modern warfare training ground, shoot themselves out of a cannon into the ocean, scuba dive to the bottom of my private island, army crawl through a tunnel of crude oil and something I like to call 'sea milk,' and then trapeze right onto my second summer home for guillotining purposes,” said Bezos. “Me? I usually just take the copter.”
“He loves to entertain, and by entertain, I mean that he loves to lock us in his Guillotine Home and do facial recognition technology experiments on us,” says Bezos’ second summer home neighbor, Brick Bross. “He has his flaws, both on the inside and out—I mean, his palms are pointy somehow—but ultimately, it’s charitable that he has a home where he can get guillotined. He’s never there, though.”
The protesters have decided to stay put outside Bezos’ permanent residence.
“He’s gotta come out here one of these days,” said protester Emilia Trent, adjusting the drop-speed of the guillotine.
“Chop chop,” said the guillotine. “I’m billing per hour.”
