Researchers No Closer To Discovering Why Theater Kids Are “Like That”

Have you ever wondered what gives the cast of a high school production of Ragtime the ability to stand up in a crowded diner and rehash their finale performance? What gives Lin-Manuel Miranda the confidence to post front-facing lip bite selfies? What gives the girl in the ensemble cast the guts to say that she deserved the starring role?

Researchers at multiple labs across the country are on the case, with, unfortunately, no real leads. 

“The truth is, we’ve failed. We have no idea what gives these adolescents and adults their unique combination of unbridled self-assuredness and complete lack of self-awareness or spatial empathy. It's like Earth's ocean floor: terrifying and largely unknown,” stated research psychologist Gordon Gwinn.

Gwinn went on to clarify his definition of the “theater kid.”

“Not every adolescent or young adult who participates in plays and musical theater can be considered a ‘theater kid.' Only someone who fits those qualifiers while also greatly overestimating their talent can be considered what we’ve been calling, ‘Like That’: a term working as a catch-all for their uniquely annoying and destructive behavior.” 

The research, Gwinn tells me, hasn’t been easy. Multiple lab technicians have quit the job after listening to acapella renditions of the riff at the end of “Defying Gravity” and watching subjects attempt to make themselves cry. One researcher threw in the towel after overhearing six of the subjects attempt the chorus of “Do You Hear the People Sing?” in the waiting room before observation had even begun.

"I'm pivoting my research to children's leukemia," said one chemical biologist. "That work is much less depressing."

Gwinn told FLEXX that none of the subjects of his study were available for interviews.

“Trust me: you do not want to hear what any of these kids have to say or even worse... sing.”