Hard Kombucha Really Cornering The Untapped Market Of People Who Love To Shit
One of the unprecedented side effects of being in quarantine has been an overwhelming sense of boredom. All of the hobbies, foods, and guilty pleasures we all used to enjoy seem to have lost their shine. It seems as if no one knows the formula to keep our serotonin flowing. No one, that is, except BM brand Hard Kombucha.
What is BM?
“It’s hard to explain,” declares its founder, 26-year-old entrepreneur Blaine Goddard. “It’s less of a beverage and more of a digestion experience. When I first developed BM, I wanted to pair two of the highest pleasures I have ever felt: being blackout drunk and birthing a huge, smooth, mahogany log. After tasting the first BM brew and taking a crap so big my eyes stung with tears, I knew it would be a hit.”
It seems as if Goddard was right. BM Hard Kombucha’s pairing of powerful fermentation and strong probiotics have made it a hit among consumers who were previously shy about how happy it makes them to absolutely ruin a toilet.
One testimonial on the brand’s sleek Squarespace reads: “All of my hip friends have been pressuring me to try kombucha. I knew that it was supposed to be good for me, but all of the brands I’ve tried before have been tainted (haha) by too much flavor and, frankly, not enough shit to make me feel like I’ve done something right. BM changed that. Now, I love the ritual of cracking open a six-pack with the boys and sitting down on the porcelain throne with my head in my hands. I’m not afraid to say it anymore: I love to shit, and I love to be sweaty and dizzy when I do it.”
However, the fledgling brand is not without critics.
“I have gotten a lot of emails claiming that BM is just flavorless, sour grain alcohol with some bacteria gunk in it,” says Blaine Goddard. “I want to be completely transparent with you people: it isn’t about flavor. This is about being drunk and dropping a healthy dook. Really, that’s it. It took half an hour to figure out the formula.”
It would be a fair assessment to say that the criticisms haven’t stopped the brand from making a stinky splash in the world of brewed beverages. BM Kombucha can be found at Whole Foods, Erewhon, and any minimalist bistro near you.
