Cousin Explaining NFTs Should’ve Just Finished Podiatry School

BROOKLYN, NY—In an extraordinary breakthrough, experts confirmed last week that your cousin currently explaining NFTs in excruciating detail should have just finished podiatry school. 

“Non-fungible tokens can give you ownership of digital content. Isn’t that nuts?!?” said Varun Patel, your cousin who would’ve had a fine, inoffensive life had he stayed in podiatry school and fulfilled his destiny of making a bunch of money looking at feet. 

He added that NFTs are “assets” that could be worth “millions of dollars,” while shaking his head in awe, even though if he had just stuck with podiatry school until after midterms in 2014, he could’ve bought a house in Indiana with a finished basement by now. 

“Can you imagine having digital ownership of a meme? Like yeah, anyone can still look at it online and use it, but what matters is that you own it,” he said, steamrolling through your blank stare. 

His parents, puzzled, are struggling to understand their son, often losing sleep at night wondering where he got the audacity.

“This motherfucker,” said Asha and Mahesh Patel. “We just figured out bitcoin. Well, almost.” 

Now, instead of dealing with minor athlete's foot, presenting at medical conferences, and having regular board game nights with the boys, he hosts three weekly Clubhouse rooms (“Books: Get Rid Of Them If We Already Have Movies? Discuss,“ “Everyday Hustle: Get Rich By Taking All The Quarters Deposits In Grocery Carts While People Shop,” and “Marketing Tips For Your Funeral: All Eyes On You Guaranteed!”), in between living at his parents’ house and volunteering as a crash test dummy for Tesla.

“He squandered away unlimited access to single, hot feet in his area just to explain blockchains for free,” said Dr. Ron Phillips, his former professor. “Non-fungible token? More like Notevenone Feet ToVarun!” Phillips then quit podiatry to go full-time sicko mode. 

Regardless, Patel is undeterred.

“NFTs are changing people’s lives,” he said, his life completely unchanged. 

At press time, his mom was begging him to please just sell opioids instead.