Tell Us How Late You Stay Up Stalking Your Ex, We’ll Tell You What Dog He And His New Girlfriend Just Got
It’s hard to move on after a tough breakup. Feelings are hurt, belongings are returned, he starts dating that coffee house skank who he swore he “didn’t know as hitting on him.”
But who says you have to move on? Not us. Tell us exactly how late you stay up doom-scrolling on Friday nights and we’ll tell you what kind of pooch the two of them are walking on Saturday mornings.
Up until 4am | Golden Retriever | "Scout"
We’re so sorry, but if you’re up this late that means you’ve not only seen every post and photo on the new girlfriend’s Instagram and Facebook, but you’ve also scrolled to the inception of the dog’s Instagram account. Try not to bring @ScoutGoldenRetriever into this. He’s not the one writing the captions—no matter how much his owners try to make it seem like he is.
Up until 2am | Chihuahua | "Fefita" or "Fefi"
You’re not stalking because you’re jealous, you’re stalking because something isn’t adding up. Who in their right mind would have this squirrel-passing-as-a dog animal in their home? Is the new girlfriend sending a signal for help? Is this her putting out an SOS? She must be trapped or brainwashed if this is their pet.
Up until 1am | Dog: Bulldog | "Sam"
Everything reminds you of him, especially a snot-nosed, mouth-breathing, smoosh-faced, short, and stubby Bulldog named Sam. You’ll get through this, just cry it out! Sam has trouble breathing.
Up until midnight | Pug | "Pugsy Malone"
It’s not too late a night for you here, you’re just busy trying to comprehend why the world and your ex’s new hoe are pretending this dog is cute. We assume it’s because they are already keeping up the charade of being happy together, so why not add to the act.
Tucked into bed by 9:30pm | A Weird Cat | (Who cares?)
No investigation is needed, no worries here. You’re getting a good night’s rest this evening as the new couple is clearly on the brink of imploding and that ugly ass cat will start a custody war.
