7 Conversation Starters To Scream At Your Bikini Waxer

We’ve all been there before: lying on our backs in a butterfly position, wondering if our bikini waxer is judging the length of our pubic hair. In these moments, it feels impossible to strike up a conversation. But, instead of worrying, try screaming out these conversation starters!

1. Speaking of butterfly position, did you see the new butterfly exhibit at the Botanical Ga — Ahhh! Ahhh! — gardens? 

This change in the topic will help shift the focus from your long lady hairs to the lush delphiniums that attract beautiful butterflies. 

2. Are you good at gardening? I wish I was, but I’m so terrible at weed wha — Ahhhh, owww, holy shit! — whacking?

You don’t even need to hear her answer. By the sheer force of her pube-ripping strength alone, you know that your bikini waxer is an impeccable weed whacker. 

3. Aren’t you tired of all this weather we’ve been having? I’m so sick of the ra — Aaaain, aaaain, ah! Dammit, that hurts! — rain? 

Your casual observations about the weather will definitely distract her from your watery eyes as she lays down an even longer strip of cloth. Is this normal, or do you just have more pubic hair than most?

4. How long have you been in this business? On an average day, how many bushes do you see, and how does mine com — pahhhhh, holy hell! — COMPARE? HOW DOES MINE COMPARE??

Ask this question only if you’re optimistic about the answer. Maybe your bush isn’t the worst one she’s seen! Regardless, all bushes vary. Don't freak out if she simply shakes her head, unwilling to answer the question.

5. Hob — bahhhhh, fuuuuuck! — hobbies?

Show your bikini waxer that you’re interested in getting to know her. Maybe she’ll tell you about an interesting hobby that will distract you from your angry, red pubic area.

6. Is this almost o — Ohhh! Ahhh! Owww! Eeeee! — over?

You’re past the point of needing conversion starters. What you need is to get the hell out of this torture chamber. You know that you paid to be here, right?

7. Is it normal to see my life flashing before my ey — Holy, motherfucking shit balls — EYES?!?!

Make sure to give your bikini waxer a generous tip before scheduling your appointment with her next month. You know, because you live for pain.