Govt. To Begin Administering Half Doses Of Vaccine As Part Of Panera's “Pick Two” Menu

Jan 5

Jan 5 Govt. To Begin Administering Half Doses Of Vaccine As Part Of Panera's “Pick Two” Menu

THAT ONE PANERA YOU STUDIED AT THAT ONE TIME, U.S.A.—Since the U.S. vaccine deployment strategy has lagged behind expectations, the federal government is considering new options for dispersing half the recommended dose of the Moderna vaccine, which elicits the same immune response as the full dose. To further speed up the process, Operation Warp Speed, the task force in charge of the vaccine rollout, is working with Panera Bread to include the half dose as part of the chain’s popular “You Pick Two” option.

“Pick two: half soup, half salad, half sandwich, half mac and cheese, half vaccine. Includes a choice of side. This is how nature works,” said Operation Warp Speed’s chief advisor and part-time Panera cashier Moncef Slaoui. “We know it’s hard to choose between the half Mediterranean veggie, the half Fuji apple salad, and the half vaccine, but we trust you dipshits to make the right choice.”

Panera’s CEO Niren Chaudhary added in a statement: “This is the most exciting thing we’ve developed since adding avocado to mac and cheese. The vaccine will go in a bread bowl, and per government guidelines, the bread bowl is going to be kind of wet.”

Each vaccine half-dose will be chilled to 36 degrees Fahrenheit and will come with a paper straw with a sharp end for stabbing into the vaccine packaging a few times until you give up and just fucking swallow it whole.

Many customers are excited about the expanded options on the menu.

“Oh, this is great news,” said customer Alexis Welles, who orders the half mac and cheese, half sandwich combo to go, immediately after ugly crying in the parking lot every Wednesday afternoon. “Having a half dose of the vaccine will really switch up my routine this year.”

But ultimately, it comes down to personal choice.

“I think I’m gonna stick with my half tomato soup and half Caprese,” said customer Alice Topping, a customer who eats indoors at Panera daily always taking the large corner booth for herself. “I’m not going to change my whole lifestyle for this Covid thing, okay?”