Congrats! The US Military Will Now Use Your Podcast To Torture Prisoners Of War
Congratulations, content creator! Your podcast, Sex, Politics, & Sexual Politics, where you and your best friend sit and chat loosely and factually negligent for over an hour about nothing is officially owned by the United States Military.
This wasn’t an easy decision as we had to comb through over 1.5 million podcasts with pretty much the exact same material as yours. However, after various tests, we found that your podcast would fill our prisoners with anguish and despair immediately instead of 5-10 plays in. Efficiency is highly valued by the U.S. Military.
In fact, some of our guards quit because they too couldn’t handle your voice, cadence, and the way you’d interrupt your co-host constantly, sometimes to the point where you both would be talking over each other about two very different topics.
One of our veteran prisoners, Charles, who has been unfairly detained for over a decade, finally agreed to give us any intel we wanted after listening to the episode where you both were supposed to talk about healthy relationships. Instead, you both talk about the guy you want to have sex with.
After hearing you say, “omg we can’t talk about this, we’re going to have to cut this part out,” over and over, Charles screamed in agony and begged us to stop the episode. He insisted that he would give us any information we want but in return, he asked us to stab his eardrums so he never has to hear another podcast again. Now, we finally have what we need to take down North Korea, all thanks to your terrible content.
We even tried to subscribe the prisoners to your Patreon when they refused to give us crucial information but luckily, they always started talking or opted for a different form of torture. One prisoner said: “They make people pay for more of this bullshit? Please just waterboard me.”
What sold us the most were your episodes about political prisoners. Some of our prisoners felt this was the most extreme form of torture because “they’re so wrong about everything. Did they even do research? Why did they start this episode off by talking about their weekend plans?”
We’re excited to have you on board even though you have said that you want nothing to do with the military-industrial complex but in another episode, you also said it’s ok to support the troops and that's all we need.
