Going Away Present? Bezos Gifts Employees Catheters Synced To Alexa, Abolishes Bathroom Breaks
“Let curiosity be your compass. Don’t despair if the first idea looks crazy.” ~ Me, Daddy Bezos
Fellow Amazonians,
It’s with great pleasure and distinctive honor that, following my transition from CEO to Executive Chair, I give to you, the employees, my most ambitious creation yet. You're the heart and soul of this crazy little thing I started in a garage some 27 years ago.
I pride myself on putting my company and my employees first, and this will ensure that you all will be working at the highest level of efficiency to help deliver products with a smile. As a token of my gratitude, I present to you my newest opus and greatest masterpiece: a catheter synched with Alexa (c), so you, my dear work family, no longer need to take bathroom breaks while on the Clock—or as we refer to it at work: Doombringer.
This is a project that’s near and dear to my heart. I worked diligently to ensure this is the kind of quality Amazon employees have come to expect. I made sure to have had this tested out on colleagues, family members, and monkeys that are being trained to take your job in Q3 2023.
Our invention track record is unparalleled and I fully believe that this new addition to the Amazon workplace will continue to keep the company head and shoulders above the competition. Innovation is the root of our success. For employees who enjoy reading during break seconds, you can also charge your Kindle with the solar panels we attached to the catheter. The panels are powered by the heat of your urine so try to pee hot.
The catheter itself is the same regulation-size that is found in most nursing homes, ICUs, Olympic athlete locker rooms, but synched with Alexa, that beautiful, mysterious siren. What truly sets this invention apart from what I’ve created in the past is that Alexa will intuitively sense when your bladder is starting to fill and vacuum-suck the urine right out of you. It'll feel weird as hell but save you the hassle.
Alexa will then repurpose and filter the urine into water that will be used in the fountain that is displayed at the front of our property and will also be used to water our landscape. As our commitment to being even more environmentally friendly, whenever you stop by our kitchens for refreshment from our water fountains, you can thank yourself and your fellow Amazonians for the recycled water you’re drinking. And you must drink it. Daddy B is always watching. Bottoms up.
“If you get it right, a few years after a surprising invention, the new thing has become normal. People yawn. And that yawn is the greatest compliment an inventor can receive.” ~ Me again
I consider this a continuation of our response to highly important social issues such as the fifteen dollar minimum wage and the Climate Pledge. I believe this is the best step forward in a direction that will continue to set Amazon in a class of our own. Let’s keep moving forward.
~ J
