Cop Disappointed In Dwindling Engagement On His Riot Gear Selfies

DANVILLE, IN—Local traffic cop Mike Tucker expressed frustration over the current national push for police reform and its effect on reactions to his selfies.

“Ever since people have been saying we don’t police good, my selfies haven’t been doin’ good,” whined Mike, adjusting the positioning of his Kenny Chesney wall poster. “What, am I responsible for what I do on the job now?”

Mike, who was expelled from his high school for microwaving the class hamster, felt hurt that social perception of his looks and image had been impacted by his active involvement in a violently oppressive system.

“It’s not like I’m some inbred pigfucker with bad hair and a flat ass. I have most of my teeth and at least one and a quarter lips. On shower weeks, my skin isn’t half-bad, either,” he screamed, feeling the familiar skyrocketing heart rate from his usual morning Mountain Dews. He hawked a few globs of dip onto the ground before continuing.

“When I post a selfie in my patrol gear, I always get a few ‘angry’ reacts on Facebook. A couple of ‘wows,' but those are usually just my grandma, ‘cuz her thumb slips,” laughed Mike, demonstrating the slipping of his arthritic grandmother’s fingers with an impressive variety of slurs. 

When pressed on the media’s insidious practice of portraying white suspects with normal, empathy-generating selfies, versus the mugshots used to demonize Black victims, Mike remained consistent in his messaging.

“Yeah, we might make a few mistakes here and there. We might like makin’ them. Or, allegedly like makin’ them,” he clarified. “But just because I am both criminally negligent and actively prejudicial when doing my job doesn’t mean I can’t look deceptively nice enough in a blurry photo uploaded to my social media account.”