How Disney Characters Would Behave During Covid (Baloo Is Obviously A Super Spreader)
Disney characters are simply a part of our culture. We’ve imagined them as hipsters, different species, and gender-swapped Steve Buscemis. We even dress up as them even though this might make you a target of a terrorist act at Disneyland. But what about how they feel about the pandemic? After much research, I have determined how exactly different Disney characters would behave during Covid:
Snow White: The One Who Wipes Down Her Grocery Bags: Snow White loves to clean—she's known to even clean strangers’ houses—so it’s safe to assume that she’s a germaphobe. Snow White may not practice as much social distancing, but she would make sure that every dwarf (and animal friend) is double masking. Snow White is bound to wipe down every single surface and never run out of hand sanitizer. It’s highly unlikely that the dwarves would get Covid due to Snow White’s strict rules (her cooking is too fire). Snow White does eventually get Covid because she gets non-consensually kissed by that one weirdo prince.
Elsa: The One Who Would Have No Problem with Social Distancing: Elsa is prepared for quarantine. She spent most of her life locked away in a single room designed to slowly drive her crazy so she could eventually blast away the colonizers of her mother’s tribe. While in seclusion, Elsa had to take precautions to protect others from her powers by wearing gloves, so wearing a mask probably wouldn’t seem that strange to her. Eventually, Elsa would bust out of her chambers and try to freeze the virus. When that doesn’t work, Elsa would just turn to outdoor dining as she could eat comfortably in freezing temperatures.
Rapunzel: The One Who Would Develop a New Hobby During Quarantine: Like Elsa, Rapunzel also spent her childhood locked away. While Rapunzel yearned to go outdoors, she did manage to keep herself occupied—she painted, read the same three books, sewed a dress, brushed her hair—all while she wondered when her life would begin. Rapunzel didn’t waste her time. She'd use her time alone to learn even more new skills, like how to perform kung fu with a frying pan, how to code, and how to run a kingdom because she just met her parents and they don’t care about their kingdom. The peasants seem happy enough because they throw a giant party every year with floating lanterns. What more does a kingdom need? Rapunzel would adjust the budget so that the floating lantern party only gets 70% of the budget.
Piglet: The One Who Would Constantly Read the News: Piglet is neurotic as hell. He often hides for no reason and frequently stutters like a goof. During a pandemic, Piglet would definitely hide in his house and watch the news all day and night. He would slowly become convinced that he would die if he leaves his tree or bush or whatever. He refuses to see any of the other 100 Acre residents, convinced that they are disgusting, germ-ridden animals that will inevitably infect him. He eventually stops trusting “mainstream media” and starts turning to YouTube videos, which he believes when they tell him that the pandemic is designed to control his mind. He reps QAnon now.
Miguel: The One Who Finally Gets His Album Done: Ever since he returned from the Land of the Dead, Miguel has been doing everything but work on his album. He’s released a shoe line, started a music program at his school, and even tried dating other deads, but he just hasn’t found the time to finish his dumb EP he keeps going on about. Once he’s quarantined, Miguel drops not one, but two surprise albums. Two of the songs slap but the rest are pretty meh.
Baloo: The One Who Throws a Super Spreader Event: Baloo doesn’t believe in communal responsibility—only the bare necessities. Since Covid safety doesn’t fall under the bare necessities in his opinion, Baloo would decide to team up with King Louie and throw a massive rager in the jungle. Timon and Pumbaa would be in attendance, as well as Stitch, Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, and Ariel, who believes that Ursula has sold her the cure for Covid in exchange for Prince Eric. So many casualties. The old man who plays chess before Pixar movies dies for sure.
Gaston: The One Who’s an Anti-masker: Gaston is a Trump supporter. Nobody questions that fact. He still thinks Trump is going to return to the throne and is mad that the weaklings who broke into Congress didn’t finish the job (this is because they do not eat five dozen eggs every day, he explains). Gaston respects Trump because he married a model and has had a few strapping sons (he has not actually seen Don Jr. & Eric but assumes they look like him). Gaston also doesn’t know how to read, so he’s not going to believe those scientist nerds. Unfortunately, Gaston is great at riling up a mob, so he’d convince the whole village to stop wearing masks. Belle and the Beast did not find out this was going on until a year later because they were spending time in their mountain house upstate.
Pinnochio: The One Who Would Definitely Get Covid: Pinnochio believes that he’s got no strings to hold him down. Pinnochio doesn’t question what others tell him and after all that smoking he doesn’t give a damn about his health. Even with Jiminy Cricket telling him to please put on a mask, Pinnochio would ignore him and go party on Pleasure Island anyway (none of those boys would leave Pleasure Island—except in a body bag). Pinocchio also attends the super spreader event held by Baloo and manages to spread it to Gepetto, Jiminy Cricket, and Monstro.
