10 Flirty Spring Outfits That Signal You’re Super Down To Peg Your Cousin’s Roommate
Hooray, spring has sprung! The sun is shining, the flowers are blooming, and your cousin Ella got a sexy new roommate you’re interested in pegging! Carlos might not know it yet, but you’ve been eyeing him ever since he wore those green athletic shorts the other day—but how do you make it happen?
Do not text him something sweet and flirty in the hopes of casually chatting. Are you fucking nuts? What’ll that lead to, grabbing a drink and bringing up sexual interests in a safe and normal setting? Get lost! Romance is all about following rigid stereotypes—and honey—the man is supposed to come to you begging to be penetrated! Since it’s hard to non-verbally disclose your interest in anally penetrating someone, we put together a list of ten cute ensembles that’ll get the job done.
Back to Basics. Let’s keep it simple to start. Head over for a visit dressed exclusively in primary colors—the brightest, most obnoxious red, blue and yellow. He’ll be instantly reminded of the primal human need for pegging. To complete the look, wear some dangly earrings shaped like little plastic fish. In the wise words of Barack Obama: “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Insert a silicone object into his rectum, and you peg him for life.”
Farmhouse-Chic. Pair a red gingham shirt with distressed overalls and blue, muddy rain boots. Everyone knows farmers have the best taste in dildos, so you’ve already got the ball(s) rolling! The shirt is the color of amóre. The distressed overalls show you’re not afraid to make mistakes and the blue rain boots are the official shoe selection of the Pegging Farmers Association! He won’t miss it.
April Showers & May Flowers. Make like the classic springtime phrase and hit up your local Bed, Bath, and Beyond for a fresh new shower curtain. Wrap it around your body and belt it with a piece of that rope they use to hold up tomato plants. Carry a bouquet of petunias, primroses, peonies, or another flower that starts with “P.” Seriously, it doesn't fucking matter. The shower curtain gives you a sort of Grecian bathhouse energy, the garden rope tells him you love the outdoors (as any good pegger would/should), and the flowers are a very romantic, bridal, touch—coupled with “P” for Pegging!
Bareback Mountain. We’re going to channel Ang Lee’s classic '05 film. The marriage of camping and anal sex is a union for the ages, and you can recreate it if you cut arm and head holes in the burlap tent that’s been festering in your garage. Every pegging journey begins with a single step, so make sure you’re taking lots of them as you evocatively pace around the apartment. He’ll be reminded of the movie, and immediately put two and two together!
Hallucination Nation. Hit yourself in the head with a blunt object hard enough that you lose consciousness. As you come to, try and paint the dizzying fuzz on your visual plane onto a spare t-shirt you have lying around, and then tye-dye that shit. Pair it with some Day-Glo, patent leather jeans, and dangerously tall platform combat boots. Your stunning artistic t-shirt creation is both tye-dye and blunt-force-trauma informed, making it twice as alluring. The pants make you look like a sexy highlighter, every man’s sexual Achilles heel—and speaking of heels, you’ll probably seriously injure yourself in those shoes. Nothing helps the healing of a broken ankle like hobbling into a harness and pegging the ever-loving fuck out of someone, as Carlos will surely know!
Peggers Can’t Be Choosers. It’s important to remain humble when it comes to the human rectum. Show him your casual side and wear the jeans you wear on "fat days." Pair them with that one ratty t-shirt you wore during your 1-week oil painting phase. Complete the look with an Oliver Twist-y makeover and smudge some dark eyeshadow on your neck, face, and hands. Finish off the look with a pair of cowboy boots for sort of a Dances With Wolves motif. You’ll look like a disgusting, dirty, mess and he’ll be begging for your pegger’s embrace!
Fast Food Fitness. Sign up for a free 30-day trial membership at your local planet fitness, steal a rubber exercise band from the stretching room, and tie it around your waist at a 45° angle. Next, spend a month or two perusing your local thrift store for a mustard green t-shirt with no less than six grease stains, preferably from either Burger King or KFC (we can tell which so don't skimp). Finish the look with a pair of brown or gray corduroy bell-bottoms so ugly you’ve gaslit yourself into thinking they’re counter-culture. The exercise band will remind him of exercise (sex), the mustard-colored shirt and fast-food grease stains will remind him of how things go together, like the two of you and pegging, and the bell-bottoms will subconsciously signal him to bottom for you!
Mystery Pegger. If Sherlock Holmes were a 20-something gal looking to peg her cousin’s gorgeous roommate, he’d certainly don his trademark trench coat! The rest of the look is up to you. Who knows what lies beneath a humble trench coat? You could be wearing a dress, a suit, a fuzzy onesie... any logical person would assume such an outfit implies a lust for anal sex. We promise you—show up in this jacket, and he’ll immediately understand exactly what you mean.
Naughty or Nice. We know the holiday season is behind us, but that doesn’t mean you can’t evoke anal-tinted themes of crime and punishment! Hit up your local Christmas Tree Shop and steal one of their handsome Santa Claus suits. Committing a felony will get the blood pumping, and your ruddy cheeks will match nicely with the scarlet polyester. Naturally, you’ll need to carry a thermos of milk and a sleeve or two of Oreos to complete the look. Every man sees a felonious Santa and immediately feels compelled to explore new sex acts—hoe, hoe, peg!
Nothing. Everyone loves seeing the exposed genitalia of a roommate’s family member, and it’s a logical leap from “my roommate’s cousin is ass-naked in my living room” to “we should get naked so she can ream me in the ass”. So what are you waiting for?!
