Music Venues Reopen With Mandatory COVID Tests, Scalper Yells: 'Yo Big Man, You Need Negatives?'
CAMDEN, NJ—With COVID-19 test results becoming a common entry requirement for newly-reopening music venues, local ticket scalpers are looking to profit from reselling fake "rapids."
Across the river from downtown Philadelphia, security officials at the BB&T Pavilion reported the surrounding neighborhood had seen an increase in scalpers shouting things akin to: “yo big man, you need negatives?”
“The most common scam is someone selling test kits for a different disease altogether," said New Jersey police officer, Eric Witt. In March alone, Witt issued over 30 fines to scalpers selling test kits for TB, Lyme, and polio. “I was shocked to see concertgoers paying upwards of $400 for those. Polio hasn’t done a stateside tour since ‘94.”
“You’ve got to be smart when buying anything from a scalper,” said Rage Against the Machine fan Amir Rahman, while letting a bare-handed stranger shove a cotton ball up his nose and simultaneously pee on a pregnancy test. “At this point, anything that resembles a nasal swab does it for me. Oh sweet, a negative. That was quick!”
The music industry, benefitting from the practice, has had a mostly positive reaction. Rage Against the Machine vocalist Zack De La Rocha explains the scalpers are providing an important service.
“Concertgoers should feel lucky to have a rapid test administered by a guy with no mask, a cigarillo behind his ear, who probably hasn’t washed his hands in a week," said De La Rocha. "Plus, if you can smell the tobacco on his breath, you probably don’t have COVID anyway.”
A local scalper who now calls himself “Tha Nurse,” hopes that by offering testing kits, scalpers around the world can begin to repair their negative image.
"My strategy is to find a man on a date and convince him that buying a COVID negative result from me is his only chance to save ‘that exquisite young lady’ from a three-hour wait outside an urgent care clinic. That’s when I launch into my spiel about ‘VIP tests,’ which grants him and his date access to the Asymptomatic Lounge where they can French kiss every band member after the show. Finally, once they agree to pay me, I’ll have them download one of two Chinese apps: GermWallet or Germdango, to which I’ll send their test results with a scannable QR code."
At press time, Tha Nurse admitted he has some regrets about the dishonest nature of his business, but made sure to call out the “true villains” of the COVID test reselling industry.
“Street guys like me are always labeled menaces to society but what I do is nothing compared to the price gouging you see on websites like SwabHub.com.”
