New V-Day Moves? 5 Bedroom Tricks To Blow His Mind And Send Him Into Total Renal Failure
Hey, all you quarantined ladybirds! We know it’s gotten a little stressful shtupping the same guy night after night, so we’ve come up with a few spicy moves to switch it up and get the juices flowing, blood pumping, and send him into total renal failure!
How many times are you two going to watch The Office and dry hump before things get simply too stale? Come on—live a little. What are you waiting for? His kidneys simply work too well if you ask me. ;)
Let’s Get Physical! First, let's learn a few basic (but kinky) moves to spice things up. Adding in some light biting, spanking, and forceful blows to the left and right hypochondriac regions of the abdominal cavity are sure to result in some sexy hickeys, tingling buttocks, and moderate-to-severe contusions to some vital organs.
Run Him Dry! Studies show that higher temperatures mean feistier lovers, so crank that thermostat up and make him sweat, girl! Set it to 80° for a balmy beach vibe, 100° for a live-in sauna effect, or 196° to give him a nice rock (or two) by way of a dehydration-induced kidney stone. Girl, now you've put a ring on it—or in it rather.
What’s That Smell? Expose him to a sexy new scent to keep his pheromones on their toes, like a new fragrance, body wash, or toxic environmental pollutants such as mercury or cadmium! The change in sniffery is sure to result in a newly invigorated evening, a rush of hormones, and nephrotoxic renal tubular dysfunction, manifested by a decline in the glomerular filtration rate.
Serve a Whores d'oeuvre! Prepare an aphrodisiac meal for your man to bolster his appetite ahead of lovemaking! A meal containing oysters, dark chocolate, or the deciduous evergreen herbaceous perennial Aristolochia utriformis will serve him either a satiating savory, a scintillating sweet, or a progressive renal interstitial fibrosis frequently associated with urothelial malignancies called aristolochic acid nephropathy (AAN)!
Take Him to the Role-Play Ground! Everyone and their nana is up to role-playing these days, so what are you waiting for? Give your boyf a baseball hat and a DiGiorno and seductively “order a pizza with extra sausage.” Or perhaps sit at your desk in a thong and be his “naughty professor,” or put on a nurse’s uniform, grab a syringe, and “inject him with an extremely high dose of a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug with antiprostaglandin activity to induce acute interstitial nephritis, altered intraglomerular hemodynamics, chronic interstitial nephritis, and glomerulonephritis by interfering with the kidneys' ability to autoregulate glomerular pressure and decrease the glomerular filtration rate”.
