Sponsored Post: This New Valentine’s Gift Has Everything You Need To 'Gone Girl' Your Shit Boyfriend
(Ben Affleck not included.)
Valentine’s Day is coming up and it's time to treat your special man to something nice this year. The pandemic prevents him from going to his favorite steakhouse and all his favorite football players have covid so why not get a gift that reminds him things could be much, much worse.
This February 14th, have Cupid drop off this year’s most romantic product: Just In the Nick of Time, You’re Dunne. It has all the tools you need to frame your man for murder.
With 60 easy payments of $19.99, this gift package comes in three portions to spoil your lovebug with the most incriminating of evidence. The first portion of the package includes an IV for you to drain your blood and half a roll of paper towels to clean up most of the mess you make. Make sure to put some blood on one of the three blunt objects in the package (it's important for later!).
Are you a sporty, athletic girl who uses her high school cross country trophy as the supposed murder weapon? Or are you handy with tools and choose the hammer to deliver the assumed lethal blow? Or do you keep it simple and follow the movie by planting the missing handle from the Punch and Judy puppets? Well, you're in luck: all three options come with purchase!
Included in this portion of the package is a half-burnt diary stating all of the awful things he has done over the years (you will need to submit a handwritten writing sample with purchase which our top of the line artificial intelligence software will use to create a diary). A bag of broken glass and a coffee table frame are also included in case you do not have one readily available (adult assembly required).
With the next portion of the package, you get to add your special touch by writing in ad-libs to three clues you get to spread throughout the small, shitty town you live in. With these clues comes a variety of expensive electronics and a maxed-out credit card in your hubby’s name, wow!
An additional $99.99 will get you the deluxe package which includes a positive pregnancy test and updated medical record to truly break the hearts of everyone in your life when Mr. Handsome finally “murders” you. With the premium package, we will plant an actress in your city to have an affair with your man for an additional $300. You can choose her age, height, attractiveness, or you can just select the "Emily Ratajkowski lookalike" feature.
The final portion of the package is an eight-week supply of junk food, hair dye, an instructional pamphlet on how to give yourself a bob haircut, a map telling you to go north, and a change of clothes that make you look like a housewife during the Cold War. If everything in the previous portions of the package was used correctly then your Honey Bun Knock-off Nick Dunne should be in jail. Included in this final portion are rocks to weigh you down and pills to overdose on before jumping into a river and sinking to the bottom. (Although, this is optional to use since killing yourself wouldn’t really be canon to the movie, especially if David Fincher makes a sequel.)
Use promo code TYLERPERRY15 to get 15% off your purchase! This year, Just In the Nick of Time, You’re Dunne is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. You ensure your happiness and freedom while absolutely ruining your mediocre boyfriend’s life.
Stay tuned for the second volume of this package releasing next Christmas where you have the chance to lose all your money to two honkies and get saved by your sociopathic high school crush!
