Man, In This Economy, How Can I Afford To Get My Girl Some Good Dick For Valentine’s Day?

Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I don’t got shit to give my girl. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. The economy is so fucked, I can’t even afford to give her some good dick this Valentine’s Day!

First of all, there’s the issue of time. I’m working three jobs every day! I barely have the time to shower! I don’t have time for sex! Best I can do is take my thirty minute lunch break, speed through every red light home, do a handful of thrusts and pretend I nutted, then drive back to my job at K-Mart, dink still wet, and still be late! Never again.

Also, it’s costly to fuck somebody on Valentine’s Day. Sex on any other day requires some sort of bed and protection. But on Valentine’s Day? Forget it. You need candles, flowers, massage oils, and shit; the list goes on and on! How am I supposed to afford all that when I’m making less than my cousin’s lemonade stand? Not to mention buying condoms. And my girl won’t fuck without one. She let me raw it once, and we both got UTIs.

Also, where am I even supposed to do that shit? Technically, I’m homeless! I’ve been living in my mom’s walk-in closet since I got out of college. There ain’t even a fucking mattress in there, just a bunch of Steve Madden shoes I duct-taped together. I don’t want my genitals rubbing up on those spiky heels!

At this point, I’m considering asking my friend to smash for me. It’s the most cost-effective option, but I’m afraid she’d be too into it—Steve is fine.