CDC Recommends Vaccine-Hesitant Households Immunize Least Favorite Child First To Assess Vibes
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The CDC yesterday announced a new plan for reaching vaccine-hesitant households nationwide. The updated protocol encourages households to have a child of their choice—probably the ugliest or weirdest one—vaccinated as the "guinea pig" in an effort to lower mistrust for the COVID-19 vaccine.
“If you’re on the fence to vaccinate yourself and your family, we understand," Dr. Anthony Fauci stated. “So, metaphorically, don’t jump into the pool, but instead: push the kid you could do without and have them report back. Again, metaphorically.”
With more than 40% of the US population not fully vaccinated—meaning two doses of any COVID-19 vaccine without a booster—the CDC is pushing for a compromise with those Americans who are still not completely onboard. But confusion persists in the CDC’s most updated guidance.
“He’s saying I can drown my worst kid, and that’s ok, right? CPS won’t be on my dick if I, you know, have ‘em take the plunge, right?” Wonders Washington D.C. resident Darryl Blueberry. he and his partner and their two children are not vaccinated at the moment, but he is interested in having one kid try to see if that kid gets fucked up or not.
“If Darryl Jr. doesn't get fucked up or die or whatever, I will probably take my wife and the good kid to get the jab, sure," admitted Blueberry. "If he gets deaded that will be a bummer but at least it will confirm our suspicions!"
A joint multi-state CPS and CDC press statement was published shortly thereafter, warning citizens this was not a license to kill a child of their choosing.
“It’s come to our attention that American households are now drowning their kids, and we kindly ask those households to not do that, please, no matter how wack the kid may be. The CDC is asking households to test the vaccine on one person in the home to prove the vaccine’s efficacy. Again, we strongly discourage killing your children."
US Senator Rand Paul, a consistent adversary to Dr. Fauci and the federal government’s COVID-19 policies including vaccine confidence strategies, showed a rare moment of appreciation to the CDC late Monday night.
“We may not see eye-to-eye on many things in regards to COVID-19 and how to end this pandemic, but by God Fauci and the CDC have hit gold”, he stated in a Twitter video with his family, eagerly eyeing one of his three sons, Robert, who reportedly has weird vibes. “This is what true compromise means and I for one appreciate it. Robert, you're up to bat, son! Do us proud."
