Why Does My La Croix Taste Like Blood? Gum Disease, Explained
LOS ANGELES, CA—In a big city, it’s no secret that we always gotta be on that grind. Nothing keeps me motivated like sipping a Limoncello-Gasoline Flavored sparkling water and gazing out at the priceless view from my $2500/month Echo Park studio (with kitchenette). Sometimes, as I learned the hard way, we hustle too hard. Instead of grinding to get that bread, I was chronically grinding my teeth subconsciously due to my abnormal jaw alignment.
Even though I participated in 14 ongoing clinical trials and donated my eggs, plasma, blood, and boyfriend’s semen in the last year, I still do not have health insurance. Sad Face! Hey, even a #girlboss like me has her pitfalls. I simply cannot budge on my $400 monthly allowance for Cherry Lime-Nail Polish Remover and Hibiscus-Paint Thinner La Croix spritzers for my bi-weekly babe-a-licious brunch with my fellow Target cardholders.
As any La Croix drinker knows, the crux (or “croix“ lmao) of the drinking experience is to feel like you’re contracting tetanus with every sip. La Croix provides a titillating and effervescent mouthfeel akin only to the deepest sulfur mine bubbling beneath the crust of the earth. It’s our equivalent of the thrill of smoking. No tar, no calories, but you still get that same mysterious chemical rush that gets you thinking, “Does the FDA just approve anything?”
It was a normal Tuesday afternoon. I was sipping on my fourth Tangerine Sharpie of the day. Hmmm…something was different. I can’t say I wasn’t enjoying the taste, but there was something distinctly rustier about this particular flavor. I’m a fan of the Tangerine Sharpie, I would say it’s my second favorite right behind Pamplemousse Purell. I poured the can out in the sink and, to my shock and awe, the rust flavor was actually blood! My blood!*
Shock Face Emoji! It turns out that guzzling a cumulative three gallons of highly carbonated chemical sludge was wearing away at not only my taste buds and enamel, but my gum line as well. I had to tell my girlies about this. When I connected with my queens over brunch, I was met with sighs and tears. They, too, had been experiencing the same dental tornadoes and it had become clear that no periodontal gum rinse can reverse the effects of scouring my mouth with artificial unidentified mineral flavoring.
After my brush with dental destruction, I had to make a complete lifestyle change. It’s been a long and lonely road to recovery, but I make sure to notify my Twitter followers daily of my progress and keep a bullet journal to record my still water transition experience. Luckily, between my holistic nutritionist, private yogi, and psychic, I was able to get the support I needed without the formal medical attention which would require shelling out for insurance.
I’m four days La Croix free (Clap for me!) and I’ve never been better. I recently switched to Spindrift because the can is so cute and I am only human and incapable of change. I hope that if this article reaches just one boss babe with bleeding gums, then I have done my duty as a journalist. And if I slandered the name of La Croix enough to turn just one shopper toward Spindrift (Try Strawberry!), then I have done my duty as a sponsored Spindrift Ambassador.
Cheers babes. Don’t forget to floss!
*I know it was my blood and not a manufacturing error because my mouth was profusely bleeding.
