REPORT: Couples Excitedly Returning To Ignoring Each Other On Their Phones At Favorite Restaurants
WASHINGTON D.C.—A Pew Research poll shows that an overwhelming number of previously quarantined couples (85%) are looking forward to being able to dine at their favorite restaurants principally so they can ignore their significant others and instead scroll their phones.
“There was some nuance among the responses,” said Sofia De Leon, a Pew research analyst, “but by and large the majority of reasons given for being allowed to eat indoors after the COVID-19 pandemic fell under that umbrella.”
Other answers from respondents looking to return to indoor dining ranged from supporting local businesses (10%), a change of environment (3%), an excuse to not have to "fucking cook anymore" (2%), and “other” (1%).
“I know that may sound varied,” Ms. De Leon explained, “but I assure you, it’s not. The findings were more or less universal in terms of the underlying motive. Quarantined couples are sick and tired of each other, but only willing to express it in a passive-aggressive fashion.”
One couple that responded to the poll, Darren Byron and Claire Gerner of Brooklyn, New York, generally agreed with its conclusions.
“The past year has been difficult,” Byron said. “It’s shown me how fortunate I am to have a loving, supportive partner like Claire during such a period of hardship. That being said, I’m really looking forward to pretending to answer a work email at our favorite Indian place when the time is right.”
Byron is a freelance web designer and frequently responds to client requests at odd hours. However, in the aftermath of the COVID-induced economic downturn, he concedes that this excuse has not been passing muster with his wife as it once did.
“She knows that my workload isn’t that demanding,” he said. “I’m doing okay, but the demand to create new websites isn’t what it was a couple of years ago. When we’re allowed to go back to our favorite sushi place it will give me the cover I need to fully immerse myself in my iPhone.”
His wife had a similar perspective. She is employed as a Financial Analyst and has been working remotely from the apartment she shares with her partner since March of 2020.
“I love Darren with all my heart, but I know he's not as busy as he wants me to believe,” Mrs. Byron said. “I won’t think any less of him if tells me he’s looking at the Dynamite Kid’s Wikipedia page while he pretends to IM somebody when we’re having Thai at home. He’s been binge-watching Dark Side of The Ring since this whole mess started. Does he think I haven’t noticed? I don’t really care. I just want to tweet while I eat an expensive appetizer.”
