13 Acai Bowls Made with the Blood of My Mortal Enemies

Jun 22

Jun 22 13 Acai Bowls Made with the Blood of My Mortal Enemies

Revenge doesn’t pause in quarantine. And neither does my love of acai. Here are some of my most favorite recipes of late. Just in time for summer!

Very Very Ghostberry Bowl

Blended organic acai, fresh lime juice, and blood of my “friend” who didn’t reply to my text but did post a video of them working out on Instagram. Topped with ghostberries.

Bitter Pitter, Tall Tales and Titter Bowl

Blended organic acai, cherries, and blood of my co-worker who insists on telling long-ass anecdotes about his life in all mandatory morning zoom meetings. Topped with toasted pepitas, bitter melon, and a pinch of sea salt.

Protein-Packed to the Brim Bowl

Blended organic acai, guava, avocados, and blood of the couple that walked into the 80 sq. ft. bodega after me despite the two-person limit. Topped with a large scoop of peanut butter.

Creamy Dreamy Dreamboat Bowl

Blended organic acai, bananas, papaya, and blood of my hottest crushes because I cannot afford to be horny right now. Topped with nut butter and cashew cream.

Tumble on High Bowl

Blended organic acai, kiwis, and blood of my neighbor in 2C who beat me to the good dryer in the basement. Topped with dried apricots.

Mango Jump Into an Active Volcano Bowl

Blended organic acai, fresh-pressed apple juice, and blood of one Karen (Kyles also acceptable). Topped with mango chunks, red pepper flakes, and cayenne spice.

Tootie not so Fruity Bowl

Half blended organic acai and blood of a millionaire proudly flexing the $50 they donated to end systemic oppression. Topped with a dash of honey.

The Wooooooorst Bowl

Blended organic acai, cantaloupe, honeydew, and blood of one insipid, tone-deaf white acquaintance suddenly acting as if they care about racial progress now that BLM is trendy even though you’d need two hands and some toes to count all their microaggressions. Topped with single flax seed.

Coco Tired Bowl

Blended organic acai, banana, almond butter, and blood of what’s her face who knows what she did even if like I can’t quite remember right now. Topped with I don’t know… coconut flakes, I guess.

Your Whole Future is Ahead of You, How Nice… Bowl

Blended organic acai, banana, apple juice, and blood of anyone under the age of 25. Topped with chocolate chips, licorice, strawberries, blueberries, and rice crispies.

Hell is Other People Bowl

Blended organic acai, spinach, ripe avocados, and blood of anyone over the age of 25. Topped with flaming cheetoh dust.

Inner-Saboteur Bowl

½ Blended organic acai, ½ blended pitaya, and blood of my biggest enemy, myself. Topped with everything I’m allergic to.

Traumatic Memories Bowl

Blended organic acai, mangos, blackberries, and blood of the crime boss that killed my parents in the middle of our family trapeze performance when I was 10, then [after I grew up and became a cop] gunned down my partner during a warehouse raid, push kicked my sensei down a scenic cliff in the far east and then kidnapped my son Cody at a carousel leaving only a fallen ice cream cone and torn teddy bear on the ground as the only trace. Topped with plain granola.