Aspiring Cheater Looks Forward To End Of Pandemic

BROOKLYN, NY—Like everyone else in the pandemic, local man Brock Burns is eyeing the end of the tunnel and then some.

His plans to conduct a plethora of clandestine affairs were thwarted around March 2020 when both he and live-in girlfriend Hanna Ortiz began to work from home in their small, Brooklyn apartment. After a year in quarantine, Burns is concerned that he is still having lots of sex with Ortiz and not the random women or assorted co-workers, exes, and friends he had hoped to bed.

“I feel like this pandemic was a real dream killer, ya know,” he said, checking his IG for provocative DMs from hot friends-of-friends. Brock, who recently turned 34, really wanted to “get some mileage in” before eventually settling into the role of mildly devoted husband and father.

“I don’t want to be on my deathbed, wondering why I didn’t wholeheartedly betray the woman that loves me,” he added.

Ortiz, a highly successful entrepreneur, took two-weekend business trips a month pre-pandemic but now doesn’t go further than a 1-mile radius during the couple’s evening stroll.

“I’m kicking myself that I didn’t get to my goals sooner. I was so lazy,” Burns lamented.

In between posting on the Quaker Oats Twitter account for his job, Burns, who describes himself as both single and an empath on dating profiles, often steals time away to swipe right on every woman on Hinge, OkCupid and Bumble. Once while Ortiz was showering, he hit on a woman with a particularly attractive photo on the Duolingo Spanish chat board only to be promptly ignored.

“Probably cause I didn’t write it in Spanish,” he said, “Girls want so much effort these days before meeting up. Calls. Zooms. Walks. Vaccinations. Tu estas muy bonita, señorita.” 

When confronted by a Bushwick acquaintance who recognized his profile, Burns panicked but the woman let him know that her entire self-worth is dependent on sleeping with other women’s boyfriends and that she’d be ready to start the physical affair immediately, no strings attached. Burns turned the offer down.

“I don’t want to half-ass my dream. Ideally, I would like to deceive two women at once. I don’t know that I could even cum unless both my girlfriend and my side piece trusted that I cared about them deeply.”

At present, Burns is considering both a proposal and a fake run-in with his ex-Shauna.