Op-Ed: Sure My Sex Toys Are Second Hand, But What’s In The Vaccine?
With a little over 55% of US citizens fully vaccinated, citizens holding out on getting their vaccinations are ever-present. With over 20 months into the US’s response to the global pandemic, many Public Health officials have grown concerned at the seemingly unnuanced and contrasting lifestyles of those who are refusing the vaccines.
“Grown men who still drink Everclear and use Four Loko as a chaser are telling me I’m trying to kill them. It’s concerning they don’t see how fucking stupid they sound”, says Dr. Matthew Raj of Baylor University Health Services.
“I’m not a health nut or whatever, but do you think, like, it’s wise to be injected with some weird poison in your arm?” Says Sheila JanSport. “All my sex toys are second-hand, but I did my research on those, and I washed some of them before blasting myself. I’m no animal. I ain’t dead yet. But I ain’t risking my life for no injection of Fauci jizz. No thanks, Hillary.”
Dr. Sara Girma, a Ph.D. in behavioral psychology at the University of British Columbia states in her new paper that vaccine-resistant individuals lose some logical reasoning when shown their own contradictory lifestyle choices in regards to not getting vaccinated.
“I’ve interviewed hundreds of people in North America, and I can definitively say I’m fucking confused,” says Dr. Girma. “I’m getting questions like, ‘why do vaccines come from big corporations and governments, why not a mom-and-pop, hole-in-the-wall vaccine option,’ or ‘I’m researching the researchers, and researching their research and enrolled in my Ph.D. program to see if the math checks out.' It’s all nonsensical. And when pointed out, there’s always a pause where you can hear their brains working to backflip and harden their positions even more. It’s a work of art. Death-welcoming, cultish behavioral, dumb motherfucking art.”
The Vaccine-hesitant it seems will continue to be in no rush to become one of the millions of vaccinated citizens, as Mrs. JanSport made it clear.
“I have been called emotionally impotent. I’ve been beaten up by a gang of squirrels. I can’t stop yelling at people when behind the wheel of a car, whatever. These are who I am and what I’ve been through. But you know what really defines me? Holding up the human species cause I kinda want a little attention but don’t know how to ask for it politely!”
At press time when asking for a follow-up comment, Mrs. JanSport stated she couldn’t speak due to shopping around for what she called, “second-hand and vintage dogs from the pound”.
