CDC Announces It’s Safe To Resume Stuntin’ On These Hoes
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Fresh off of the second anniversary of COVID-19’s global shutdown, NIAID Director Dr. Anthony Fauci announced today that the CDC has deemed it safe to once again partake in stuntin’ on these hoes.
Swapping his usual suit and clipboard for a vintage Coogi sweater and Cuban link chain, the President’s chief medical advisor seemed to be in rare form as he waxed hope of a return to normalcy. His speech was punctuated by puffs of a Black & Mild cigar earlier this afternoon in the White House’s West Wing.
“For too long we have let this virus cripple our society, our culture, and our traditions. While this administration fully acknowledges the tragedy and loss that we, as a country, have faced throughout these last few years, we must also shine a light on the losses that have often been overlooked.”
Visibly shaken and holding back tears, he continued.
“We got fits that have never seen the light of the club, for crying out loud. For three years the diamonds on me been dancing, and for what? IG can only go so far—them hashtags ain’t hitting like they did before. I shouldn’t have to dance on TikTok for some views. The drip speaks for itself!”
When asked if this approach is really the best course of action given the recent spike in case numbers, Fauci responded, “I’ve learned two things in my life: medical science, and how to do it to ‘em, alright? One from a university, and the other from early 2000s Kanye West.”
Gesturing wildly, he continues, almost spilling his lean cup on the reporter.
“We tried to tell y’all about the masks, and y’all didn’t listen. We tried to tell you about social distancing, and y’all didn’t listen. Hell, we even told y’all not to eat horse dewormer, and ya’ll. Didn’t. Listen! So, you know what we finna try now? We finna try Tony Tone in these True Religion jeans with some Jordan 12s– deadstock.”
Leg outstretched from behind the podium, he shot back to the Make-A-Wish Foundation Reporter-4-A-Day, “You look mad foolish right now, B.”
Dr. Fauci closed out the press briefing with one last call to action, which he delivered while casually leaning on the podium. Hands dangling, he offered the first glimpse of his Radio Raheemesque finger rings, which read VAXI-NATE.
When asked for an official statement on the policy change, President Biden’s office had none, saying only: "Those combinations of words would give the President an aneurysm so we have chosen not to share them with him at this time. And we have no idea where Vice President Harris is.”
