Rick Ross Finally Clears Throat
Holding a press conference at the Wingstop headquarters this morning, rapper and mogul Rick Ross made an announcement that has flipped the hip hop world upside down.
“Late last night in a smoke filled Miami studio, while preparing to lay down a verse like I have many times before,” he said, “I finally cleared my throat.”
Visibly still in shock, Ross went on to share a deep, dark secret that he said he had been hiding from the world, and often at times, himself. “Believe it or not, for the last 15 years, I, Ricky Rozay, had a piece of pear stuck in my throat.” After a moment of stunned silence from the crowd, he continued.
“When I would begin to rap, it felt like [the pear] was about to come loose. So naturally when it wouldn’t, I had to get right back in the booth or on stage, hoping this would be the time it finally did.” And just like that, Ross was caught in the Sisyphean struggle to dislodge the fruit from his throat for over a decade.
“It’s still so crazy to me to think that one of nature's most perfect creations could wreak this much havoc in my life,” he said, becoming emotional. While Ross paused to collect himself, fellow label artists Wale and Omarion comforted him with words of support.
“But it’s all over now. I am no longer held captive by that morsel of heaven’s fruit. I am back to living my life the way I want it!” Suddenly confetti and pear-shaped balloons fell from the ceiling, while the chorus of Beyonce’s “Freedom” featuring Kendrick Lamar played in the background.
While exiting, Ross said he was unsure if he will return to the music industry. “Sure, fame and fortune are nice, but that was never my goal.”
When asked if he will ever eat pears again, Ross stopped and while gazing longingly at a balloon, whispered softly, “Oh, most definitely.”