New COVID Strain Highly Virulent, Will Never Have Rent Money On Time
SEATTLE, WA—With both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines being rolled out through the United States and much of the world, an unfortunate new reality has come into focus: variants of the COVID-19 Virus continue to be seen throughout the world. While scientists and medical professionals agree on disagreeing of how deadly or fast each new mutation is, a novel-strain of this novel-virus has been discovered. A variant that not only harms people’s bodies but puts at risk their financial health as well as it may struggle to come up with rent on the first.
“The motherfucker hit me up saying they knew my buddy Michael, so I was like yeah you can crash here for a minute,” coughed Sarah Balter, 32, who had recently been diagnosed with the variant. “But now? Now it acts like it owns the place, saying I shouldn’t be paying so much for the size of my room. It’s so rude. Also, like, stop using my towels? Get out of my throat. It’s hella weird.”
Elliott Mejia-Johnson, 28, met the variant at a crowded bar and decided to take it home.
"We hooked up a couple of times, it was whatever, mostly mouth stuff,” said Mejia-Johnson from his respirator. “Now they just come in and ask if I’ve been talking with the landlord. Like, now I know something weird is up, which is such a shitty symptom. Now, I feel so dumb. Motherfucker doesn’t even wash its dishes. Like, fuck my lungs up, sure, but have some common decency!”
Dr. Anthony Fauci, the current Chief Medical Advisor to President Biden and the lead in combating COVID-19, has in recent days come to recognize the severity of this strain.
“This new strain, which the CDC has classified as the B-B Variant, or the Broke-Boy Variant, has striking similarities to the South African and UK variants in terms of circulation in the general public,” he told CNN’s Dr. Sanjay Gupta. “However, its ability to clumsily initiate empty pleasantries as a preamble of not having rent again for this month is something remarkable. This is something we’ve never seen before in the history of mankind.”
At press time, a new variant had been discovered. Symptoms include foggy memory, always offering to "get you next time," and never getting around to telling you they gave you HPV. The discovery was made when scientists were sent a Snapchat from the variants ex-partner. Sources close to the White House are looking to dub it the M-B Variant, or “My-Bad” Variant.
