Birthday Boy Ravenous For Coveted Trampoline 'Super Bounce'
TUCSON, AZ—It was a Gatsby-scale affair at the Abernathy residence this weekend. Upwards of 17 people had come to attend “the only birthday party that day.” Cherry Pepsis sat chilled in the cooler, hotdogs roasted on the charcoal grill, and The Lego Movie soundtrack played on a Bluetooth speaker. It was all coming together.
The week prior, Ryan Abernathy had made it abundantly clear who was and who was not invited to his 11th birthday party. He dispersed the miniature envelopes with an executive prejudice.
“It was a total sausage fest,” said one guest, 10-year-old Jensen Dooley, who is not exactly sure what the phrase means. Eyewitness reporting revealed that Ashley S was the only female classmate to receive an invitation, further fueling speculation that Ryan “like-likes” her.
It was 5 PM by the time Ashley S showed up to the festivities “well past the fashionable window,” one mother quipped. The sun was nearing its horizontal embrace when the red Chevy Cruze pulled up to the swelling soirée. Several witnesses noted an observable change in Ryan Abernathy’s demeanor upon the arrival of his crush.
“He became unhinged with desperation. It was pretty cringe,” one partygoer recalled before drinking an entire Sunny D in one swig and burping the alphabet.
The newly-minted 11-year-old sauntered out onto the trampoline that sat in the front yard, insistent on achieving the highest bounce that day. Ryan called out to the crowd to “check out how high I can get.” He pulled his famously portly friend, Trevor Bowles, onto the elastic surface and began to jump.
“It’s all about timing,” says Dr. Arthur Tramp, grandson of Reginald Tramp III, the inventor of the trampoline. “The key is to land on the surface just after somebody else has. The force of their impact—plus yours—will culminate in a brief moment of unbridled energy, sending the second individual soaring to the heavens. When done correctly, it's a beautiful thing to behold. When done poorly... the results could be disastrous.”
A gaggle slowly began to form around the bouncing boys. Parent and child stood amazed at the dedication Ryan Abernathy displayed.
“He had to have been trying for 40 minutes,” said one neighbor who had seen the child emerge above his fence numerous times that day. But just when all hope seemed lost and all the kids were about to go in to play Fortnite, it happened.
Ryan descended towards the trampoline as it was coming up from Trevor’s weight. As soon as his feet touched the surface, he knew it was showtime. The trampoline shot him up with the ferocity he had been craving. The boy launched towards the sky like a rocket. Higher and higher he rose, when his eyes met with those of Ashley S—the only woman he'll ever truly love. He finally reached the apex of his flight when, for a split second, he seemed to stop midair, the king of the world. He didn’t realize it then, but that was the greatest moment of his life.
Then, they went in to play Fortnite.
