Zodiac Signs For The Fist Fights I’ve Lost

Aries – Enterprising and determined! Those are the calling cards for an Aries and that makes me think about this one cashier at a Jamba Juice who only worked there to pay for college and, moreover, how he fed me his knuckles. I was talking some flagrant nonsense about Smoothie King vs. Jamba Juice and before I knew it, he threw out such a quick jab I swallowed it whole and asked for seconds.

Looking back, I shouldn’t have tested his patience. I lost two teeth in that scuffle and didn’t even get my Razzmatazz.

Taurus – We all know a Taurus! And we all know the one word to describe them – STUBBORN! Or, in my case, ROUND HOUSE TO CLAVICLE.

Now this one was definitely both of our faults. He wanted to get into the bounce house. I was coming out of the bounce house and I told him to fudge off and wait five god dang seconds for me to get out. He said some something mean. I gave a shove and told him his FUBU shirt was dirty. And then in response to that, he leapt a solid two-foot vertical and spun around and kicked me so fast my clavicle wishboned into my own wind pipe.

Everyone laughed. Even my priest. The man I confess to.

Gemini – Careful! I bet you think this one is going to be two twins beating my stinky ass. But actually it was one dude with two batons.

I walk into a rave in Bushwick drunk on King Cobra Malt Liquor. I guess I get a little too close to this one guy’s girl and he turns around with these brilliant light batons that flicker and change colors. Before I can get a word in edgewise, he’s pummeling me at exactly 240 beats per minute and, get this, the crowd is eating it up. They’re dancing around me like shamans while I get concussed over and over again. Brooklyn is changing.

Cancer – This one was two twins and it was at a Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. Didn’t start this fight. These guys were just on a tear looking to pound some meat and I was the poor bastard refilling his butter ramekin. Wrong place, wrong time.

Leo – This one is an obvious one if you know me. My good buddy Leo and I got into it outside of Avengers 3. He started crying when SpiderBoy turned to dust and I was just roasting his butt about it. But it was all playful and good hearted. I mean, I’ve cried at my own fair share of things. Like when Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy got snubbed in the 2012 Oscars ceremony.

He starts to bark back and I dig my heels in, and the next thing I know we’re tumbling over each other in the lobby of Regal Cinemas and boy is that floor dirty. He dominates me easily and without struggle, and as a sign of submission I have to eat up all the popcorn off the floor. I get E. coli from this and the bill is inordinate.

Virgo – Ah, yes. The Virgo. The women are exact and precise and in the middle of the action. Organizers to a fault. And the men are cautious and careful and prefer getting things right the first time. And when both are together and out to get me, that’s how I end up waking up in an ice bath missing a kidney and with the clock ticking fast.

Not technically a fist fight, I agree, but when I stumbled out of that warehouse in Little Saigon I knew I had to act quick and seek revenge before the trail went cold.

But it did go cold, almost immediately in fact, and now I got to get up and pee every thirty minutes or so. Classic Virgos.

Libra – Peacemakers above all else. Until you accidentally rear end their Kia Sorento in the parking lot of a P. F. Chang’s. Then it’s all, “How did you not see me?” and “Who’s going to pay for this?”

Then I fire off at the mouth and he hurls such a devastating haymaker I black out. When I wake up, the bus boy of P. F. Chang’s is holding a frozen bag of wontons to my face. His name is Dennis and he makes TikTok videos and they’re okay.

Scorpio – Not technically a fist fight either, but do you remember that scene in Skyfall where James Bond has to take a shot of tequila while balancing a scorpion on the top of his hand? Then he takes the shot, flips the scorpion off, and catches it in the cup?

Imagine me doing that in the back of an Applebee’s. I’m back in Little Saigon and they want the other kidney too. But if I can pull this off, maybe it’ll impress them enough to let me skate.

I go for it, botch the landing, and the scorpion not only stings the hell out of my hand, but I freak out and fall backwards into—you guessed it—a hundred more scorpions. Turns out, Fat Tony and his partner Average for His Height Tony had no intention of me leaving.

I don’t know how I escape, but when I wake up, there’s Dennis again nursing my wounds. We do a TikTok together and it’s still just okay.