Five Bath Bombs For When You Crack The Hydrant This Summer In Washington Heights
Boy, it’s a scorcher out there! And staying cool is top priority. If you’re a millennial flocking to Washington Heights, then go ahead and use your fancy air-conditioned apartments, in your fancy gentrified neighborhood. Yeugh!
Real Washington Heighters, like me, know there’s only one option: cracking open that mother fuckin’ fire hydrant.
But how do you get clean? Well, here are the best bath bombs for you to stay cool, stay clean, and be on 168th Street and Broadway. An intersection in the Heights. Where I’ve been a couple times but not at night.
This is one that says, “I like sweets but not sweats.” When you bust that hydrant and let the water shoot out, make sure you’re holding this to your chest. Greta and her double dutch squad will be super jealous. Of this. Not the fact that I grew up in a $5 million dollar building just barely off Sugar Hill and have truly never spent a real summer in New York City. But that shouldn’t matter! I’ve technically lived here for my whole life! I’m not the problem! My parents are!
The Bath Star
For the nerds and geeks out there. The barrio is hot today and you need to relax. Carmine is on your ass and needs new spokes for the hooptie but you just need some me time. Bust that hydrant. Keep this in your back pocket and just bend over. I know it sounds crazy but the suds will flow up your back and over your shoulders. This is life. The hooptie can wait. I did not google what a hooptie was.
When the cop turns the corner, don’t wait a second. Crack open that metal stump and feel the good water. With the LOVE BOMB you’ll be pink, blue, purple, and fresh. This is your summer. After that, go to the Audubon Terrace and see the murals too. Those are two places in the ol’ WH, which is how you abbreviate Washington Heights. I know I’ve only dated white girls that work at Metrograph and am really into Asian girls at the New School, but I swear I’m all about my Washington Heights roots! Look at me and the hydrant!
Whoops! This isn’t a bath bomb. It’s just my favorite book, The House on Mango Street. It's about where I grew up and feel totally at home.
….. Wait this takes place in Chicago? FUCK. FUCK.
Not a bathbomb. Just a softball. But after you clean you can go play around in the Trinity Church Cemetery (that’s a place in Washington Heights, but you know this!) Watch out, though, Suzy’s got a hose on her! You’re in Washington Heights. Then go see The Heights by Lin Manuel Miranda. I’ve seen it on broadway ten times and totally shouldn’t have said that... FUCK.