Human Trafficker Prides Himself On Only Selling Cage-Free Children

Commenting on the Biden administration’s poor track record with migrant detention centers, child trafficker Alfonso Diaz proudly declared his high standard of only selling cage-free migrant children.

“I would never subject the children I kidnap and trade to the poor living conditions of US government facilities,” said Diaz, who in his two decades of trafficking has never held a minor in a cage or limited their space to that of a border detention center or like a closet or something.

“If I managed the kids I sell with the disorganization, the inadequate food and hygiene standards, and the complete lack of oversight of the past two administrations, I would’ve been out of the game my first year," he explains as he cooks vegan slop for the girls. "Not even a monster would want to buy a child who's been mistreated as badly as the ones handled by ICE agents.”

At press time, Diaz was very satisfied to report that, unlike the US government, no migrant children had ever died under his watch before being sold. And he claims has the best prices "this side of the Rio Grande."