Biden-Jean-Pierre 2020! Biden Selects Haitian Home Aide As Running Mate

WILMINGTON—During a press briefing in his hometown today, Joe Biden finally announced his 2020 running mate. Most expected a tenured senator like Sen. Kamala Harris or Sen. Elizabeth Warren. Lord knows even Stacey Abrams thought she had a shot. However, after much deliberation, Biden selected his home health aide, Tiffany Jean-Pierre.

According to the Biden campaign, Jean-Pierre has been under his employ for six years due to his "spotty memory" and "frequent falling on his hip" says family members close to Biden.

“She just helps him out with some of the things he’s too busy for now. Buttoning his shirt, washing his feet, pureeing his food. That sort of thing.” said Rebecca Barone, a campaign intern. 

When FLEXX caught up with Jean-Pierre, we learned she had no knowledge of the selection.

“I have no desire to enter politics, but I’m grateful. I was at my mom’s house when I watched Mr. Joe say he wanted me to run with him. All I know is I’m not touching any bedpans as Veep.” said Jean-Pierre as she oiled his wheel chair.

Joe’s pick was a response to demands for diversity on the 2020 ticket.  And while vice presidential candidate Jean-Pierre may not have a staggering political career, she is known to be starkly anti-letting Joe cross the street by himself on his daily walk to the YMCA for free coffee.

“Miss Tiffany is one of the hardest working people I know. I’ve always s-s-said that the island blacks were the best workers. Miss Tiffany sure is a sweet girl though. Hair like a Brillo pad, but it smells like coconuts.” Biden said, eyes glossed, when asked about his pick.

Unsurprisingly, President Trump was incensed by Biden’s choice. He doubted her eligibility for candidacy.

“This is a woman from Ja-mai-ca. She can’t even become Vice President. Once again, Sleepy Joe nods off at the wheel. He’s not all there, Joe. Sleepy Joe and Transplant TIffany. What a team.” said Trump as he coughed on his own VP, Mike Pence.

Miss Jean-Pierre was born in Newark, Delaware. Her family emigrated from Haiti.