Quiz: Are You Pregnant? Or Did You Just Forget To Enter Your Last Two Periods Into Clue?
Usually, if you wake up every day with the uncontrollable urge to vomit, it’s nothing concerning. That’s just called being alive in 2020. But if you’re a person with a uterus, that recurring symptom might mean that you’re pregnant. No need to panic! Just check your period-tracking app, and...oh my fucking god wait why is there no period information in there for the last two months... are you pregnant??? Or did you just forget to enter the dates of your last two periods? Ok, let’s figure this out together:
How much intercourse have you been having?
A. Ohhhhh lol, I forgot intercourse was the way you get pregnant. No, I’m not having any of that. But thanks for reminding me that I’m not.
B. The better question is: how am I able to maintain my dick-appointment calendar without a personal assistant
Are you using birth control?
A. Bitch, what part of I’m not currently sexually active are you not understanding. Forget it.
B. Okay look, the pull-out method is technically a form of birth control, and it’s more effective than doing absolutely nothing at all, and—
Were you in pain for about 3-7 days during the last two months?
A. Yes! And I remember my female friends were going through the same thing and we would make jokes about syncing up our pain and...okay, yeah, that was menstruation. Phew!
B. Um, try 30-31 days for the last two months. Every single morning, I would stare at the ceiling wondering how I was going to make it through the day, and every single night I would watch Netflix to drown out my thoughts, and I—wait, I’m just describing a depressive episode. What was the question again?
Be real: how often do you forget things?
A. Frequently, tbh! Just this morning I went to put in a tampon and forgot I already had one in. Wait omg why am I taking this quiz? I forgot I got my period, I’m on it right now. Ok, it looks like I just forgot to enter the dates of my last two into the Clue app.
B. Never. I have not missed a single dick appointment yet, which again, is extremely impressive, considering I have so many of them and no secretary insight to keep me on schedule. Maybe I should put a job posting on Indeed?
Do you even know what the Clue app is?
A. Ok so first you embarrass me for not getting any recently and now you think I’m an idiot. Fuck you just tell me if I’m pregnant or not.
B. We’re talking about that multiplayer board game right? I was honestly too afraid to ask why they’ve started cross-branding as a period-tracking platform. The answer can’t be good…
Mostly A’s: Whew! It sounds like you probably just forgot to enter the dates of your last two periods into the Clue app. This is like the third time you’ve had to take this quiz though. Come on. Set a reminder or something.
Mostly B’s: Fuck, girl! You’re probably pregnant. And you picked the worst time -- didn’t you hear that RBG just fucking died? You better get your ass to Planned Parenthood ASAP. Yeah, they "do STD testing and mammograms" but guess what, they’re also game to take that little clump of cells out of your uterus NOW!!!
