Witches Apologize For Hexes Coming In Just Under the Wire

CLEVELAND, OH—The International Coven of Witches was issued a formal apology this week for their delay in hex fruition.

“We understand that some of these hexes took a little longer than expected, and we take full responsibility for that,” said their High Priest Miranda. Although she claims responsibility, she did add: “We wanted the president to meet the consequences of his actions—and you know what, it’s just taking a little longer than we anticipated. But you must admit we’re making moves at least!”

She wants to reassure the witch community, “look, hexing is both a science and an art. We’ve been hexing this motherfucker since 2016, ok? Some of our older sisters have been since the ‘80s. The moon's gonna moon, so to speak.” She asks them to continue their practices, and to not lose hope. 

The witch community is an eclectic group whose members include both traditional neopagans and Wicca practitioners, new age online covens, as well as several Instagram “tarot-fluencers” and TikTok teen “dance witches.” Although in the past they’ve mostly dabbled in personal vendettas, spells to ward off cat-callers, and the like—in recent years they’ve increasingly turned their eyes onto social justice.

“I’m not just dancing for me” says Maleficent_33_xo (born as Janet Morgans) who has over 100,000 followers in TikTok, “I’m dancing for us all.”

The Coven asks that any practitioners file any grievances with the Coven through their online portal or via crow. Due to the current pandemic, their 1-800 hotline is currently overwhelmed. 

“We promise our community we are doing everything we can to sort through all the bad energy sent to the white house.” She added a reminder to young witches that “structural oppression isn’t going to be hexed away in a day ok? We have the moon, they have Stephen Miller.”