White Fragility Ruins Friendly Game Of CLUE

A friendly game of CLUE was derailed Sunday night after friends refused to accept that Col. Mustard, the fictitious character, was, in fact, the killer.

“Is it possible that Colonel Mustard committed cold-blooded murder? I guess so, but I just don’t think we can dismiss his distinguished war record.” Said Kyler Morgan, a big fan of American Sniper, suggesting that his friend and CLUE competitor Jeff Hayes might want to take a moment before furthering accusations against the man with valor.

“We have no choice but to assume that the Colonel served Her Majesty with distinction. What reason would a decorated war veteran have for committing murder? Unless it was for a good reason” Morgan continued, eyes darting about the room. “He’s obviously a marksman, and according to Jeff, the murder was committed with a wrench. Are we sure we’re not looking for someone from the inner-city maybe. Which character is from Flatbush?”

Kyler’s assertions that the murder was committed by someone outside of the majority group of caucasian CLUE characters did not go unnoticed by Amy Shepherd, who zeroed in on Miss Scarlet, a character who has been portrayed as Asian in the board game since 1972. “I mean, I don’t want to sound...whatever, but Miss Scarlett looks shady as hell. She looks like the kind of woman who might use poisoned-tipped ninja stars or something” Suggested Shepherd, despite poisoned-tipped shuriken not being an available weapon in the game.

Derek Reilly, another friend in the group, sensing tension, interjected, saying “I think what Kyler and Amy are saying, Jeff, is that we have to entertain every possibility when it comes to solving this case. We can’t just go accusing people out of hand. We don’t want to put an innocent man in jail.” 

Jeff Hayes, last seen putting on his jacket to leave, was quoted as saying “I don’t even know what the fuck you guys are talking about.”