Top 5 Astrological Signs Most Likely To Steal Your Hot Cheetos
Astrology is all fine and good, until you meet one of those constellations in the flesh and find out they ain’t nothin’ but Hot Cheeto burglars. Take it from a woman who has put her trust in the stars numerous times — they will let you down every goddamn time. You know what they say: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, BITCH WHY YOU ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO STEAL MY FLAMIN’ HOT CHEETOS?”
Listen, I’ve had my Hot Cheetos stolen by every last astrological sign. And these are are the top 5 petty, thief-ass bitches most likely to plunder your precious Cheetos as soon as your back is turned.
Chill-girl archetype Aquarius, who would much rather hang out with the guys because they ‘don’t do drama.” Well, bitch, we would have no drama if I could trust you around a bag of Hot Cheetos while I run to the bathroom. But I guess the fuck not, because I got back and the bitch’s fingers are a bright orange, nail-to-knuckles. It’s like, “I know you’re an air type, but could you be any more transparent?”
Aquarius is bad, but she’s not as bad as this fire archer bitch. This one will Sagi-TEAR-your bag to shreds if you so much as blink when she’s within 50 feet of your Cheetos. Next time she asks for some Cheetos, remind her that Sagittarius is the sign of independence, so she can independently buy her own goddamned bag. And then tell her Katniss Everdeen-looking ass to take a hike — these IRL hunger games are a solo endeavor.
As a water sign, it’s fitting that Cancer is the slipperiest. She’ll bake pies and clean your house, all the while offering to help you be more “ladylike.” All to soften the blow when she “forgets” to Venmo you back for the Hot Cheetos y’all were supposed to split, and then “laughs” when you call her ass out publicly. Back to the sea with you!
Ah, Gemini — the evil twin sign. Rest assured, you ain’t gonna see your bag of Cheetos ever again if her two-faced Gemini ass asks you for “some,” because her greedy ass gon’ devour that whole bag. She will eat those Cheetos like she has two mouths. Feel free to slap her across both of them.
Do NOT get me started on Virgo! Sitting at the bar, giggling, telling everyone she’s on a gluten-free diet. Please! If she’s gluten-free then how come the delicious bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos I just procured from the bodega man is suddenly fifteen cheets short? Huh?! Good luck with that “gluten-intolerant” colon!