White 'Comrade' A Little Too Good At Settlers Of Catan
BROOKLYN, NY—Close friend and fellow, self-acclaimed socialist Kaitlyn Dover has always been a great game night hang. Recently, however, you’ve noticed that her enthusiasm for Settlers of Catan, the popular board game in which players win by seizing resources and usurping land, has brought out another side to her.
“So, basically, the island of Catan is this empty expanse of resources that are just sitting there, yours for the taking,” explained Dover, pupils dilated. “As a player, your goal is to settle on Catan—or settle Catan rather—and grow your territory indefinitely. I’m weirdly really good at it!”
On Wednesdays, Dover meets with her local DSA chapter, but on Sunday evenings she can be found expanding her empire at a special SOC meetup for skilled Catan-heads, many of whom also just happen to be of euro-caucasian descent for some reason.
While you’re happy she has found a hobby she’s passionate about, you’ve been a little put off by her escalating obsession with the game. You miss the way she used to light up whenever you two would just sit back, split a spliff, and engage in discourse over your shared leftist politics and anti-colonialist values. These days, however, Kaitlyn has a much darker energy about her.
“Yeah, I don’t love the way she shortens it to just ‘Settlers,’'' agreed your boyfriend, Tyler Perhosky, who “always had a funny feeling about that white girl.”
Pre-Catan Kaitlyn was a super cooperative and caring person, but the other evening things came to a head. After "winning" another game, Kaitlyn stood up and went on a ten-minute tirade about how “total victory and dominion” were her “God-given right.” Then, she flipped the board and tried to convert a native to Catholicism.
“I’m pretty sure she said something about ‘manifest destiny’ at some point,” observed your friend, Bri George. “Like, what the actual fuck?”
“The scariest part is I don’t even remember doing it,” Dover commented. Thankfully, by press time, Dover had started to come to her senses.
“I hate that my relationship with the game is beginning to alienate my friends. I think it's time for me to walk away from it for a while. And as much as I’ll miss Settlers, I’m excited to get back to the classics,” she explained optimistically. “Monopoly was my first love."
