Mixed Signals! Mom Says ‘Why Buy The Cow When You Can Get The Milk For Free,’ Still Upset By Your OnlyFans

Mixed Signals! Mom Says ‘Why Buy The Cow When You Can Get The Milk For Free,’ Still Upset By Your OnlyFans

SAN JOSE, TX—In a harrowing development, the woman who introduced you to the old proverb “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” has just received news that you've been charging for nudes on OnlyFans and is now sitting at the foot of her bed sort of staring off into space.

“I guess I just never really saw this coming. You’re my little girl!” commented Linda, 55, who loves an illustrative turn of phrase and, at times, still refers to your genitalia as your “cookie jar” or “honeypot.”

Since you were young, your mother has made it a point that you understand just how much you have to offer. A self-described feminist, she’s always believed it important to raise a daughter with a strong sense of self-worth—but more so a kind of metaphysical, theoretical worth and less so the kind you just used to pay off your student loans.

“You know, sweetie, it’s not like I’m a total fuddy-duddy or anything. I just believe that kind of stuff is special,” your mom explained after 30 minutes or so of deep, intermittent sighing.

“I just think that sex should be an expression of intimacy, not a transaction,” your mother continued, distraught, as you recalled the exact moment your freshman year that she advised you to safeguard your virginity like a depreciating asset.

Thankfully, after getting a couple of weeks to process (and receiving that Vitamix A3500 you sent her), the very same person who has stressed the value of your sexuality to you since you hit puberty has started to get a better understanding of where you might be coming from with “this whole sex work thing.”

At press time, you two are totally on the same page. In the end, your mother only ever wanted to make sure you still love and respect yourself as she’s always taught you. And as a show of her support, she’s even taken to the comments of your more sultry promotional selfies with floods of heart-eye emojis—paired with some completely unsolicited feedback about your own body, of course.

Guy Who Says 'Keep The Change' After Paying For His $4.70 Coffee With A Fiver Just As Generous In Other Areas Of His Life

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