What Your Major Says About The Crimes You’ll Commit To Pay Your Student Loans
50 years of hard labor for four years of partying? Nefarious means funded this mess, why wouldn’t they get you out of it? As it turns out, your major will predict what will put you behind bars eventually.
Art History: Though pulling off a heist in the Louvre is out of your reach (one or two physical education classes might have helped), you could probably make this month's interest-only payment by selling screen prints of stolen art on Etsy.
Athletic Training: Sorry about that injury your senior year, but that's nothing compared to what the mafia is going to do to your legs if you don’t keep supplying their star boxer with muscle relaxers and Xylometazoline.
Psychology: If you had the funds to keep going to school, you wouldn’t even be on this list. You’ve taken enough intro Human Behavior classes to spew facts that are generic enough to “sound about right." Pick up some Tarot cards and get into Spiritual Advising. You don’t need a degree to be a therapist, don’t you wish you knew that before signing for that loan?
You Went To A Fancy "Make Your Own Major" School: Had to be your own boss huh? That go-getter attitude is perfect for being a professional fence. You managed to turn your “ Science of Harry Potter” and Bicycle classes into a useless degree. Let's see if you can turn a stolen iPod shuffle and a catalytic converter into rent.
General Studies: As much as we would like to rag on your inability to choose something, anything, in your defense, you came out of school with basically the same piece of paper as the rest of us. You’re so noncommittal that a side hustle as a pro “dine and dasher” should free up a few dollars to put towards that principal.
Education: You went to school for school and now you work at a school. You're probably bitter enough to run an SAT cheating ring, funneling more marks into this rigged system.
Business: Who are we kidding? Like you even have loans. Your entire line of work is criminal.
