"Wear Your Mask!" Out-Of-Work School Shooters Hopeful For Education Re-Opening in 2021
Many schools in the nation have decided to remain virtual in the coming semester, leaving students concerned about their education being only online. There is especially no solace for the nation's school shooters whose countless hours spent studying floor plans, escape routes and police response times will go to waste.
“Since I was 15, all I ever dreamed of was attending Prom and opening fire on my classmates," said Sam Howerton, a senior at Plainview High, who was distraught to learn his school was shutting down until 2021. "This virus freaking sucks.”
Eddie Kinnison, a sophomore at Ridgewood Prep, invested the last of his allowance on ammunition and was set to debut his manifesto when the stay-at-home order was issued.
“Suddenly, I found myself with a surplus of bullets and nobody to unload them into," said Kinnison as he removed the limbs from a dead cat he found. "The bullets were super easy to buy, but still. Come on. Hold the tail, please.”
Things are even worse for Matt Willis, 18, who didn’t bother applying to colleges as he planned to go out in a blaze-of-glory shootout with the cops at his local precinct. Now, he finds himself graduating with very few options for his future.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do," attested Willis. "It’s too late to apply to college and I don’t have the qualifications to be a workplace shooter.”
It’s gotten so bad that some have even resorted to Home-School Shootings, but as middle-schooler Percy Stevens can attest, it’s not the same.
“Sure, I managed to shoot a few people..." said Stevens, "My mom, my sister, the mailman, but my heart just wasn't in it.”
Not everyone is taking the Stay-at-Home order lying down.
School shooters in South Bend, Indiana, stormed the offices of Mayor James Mueller demanding to be recognized as Essential Workers, citing their positive economic impact on slow news cycles, political rallies, and the funeral wreath industry. The city council voted 7 to 2 to let them shoot up a park in an attempt to re-stimulate the local economy.
Mayor Mueller did not respond when reached for comment.
Timothy Anders, a 4chan Spokesman for the hastily formed School Shooter Union, did comment saying, “No American Education is truly complete without the experience of having to run for your life while your fellow classmates are being picked off one-by-one.”
He goes on to claim the two saddest words in the English language are “Inactive Shooter.”
Still, some have remained optimistic, holding out hope that next school year will bring the bloodshed they so desire. “I can’t wait to return to school so I can see the faces of my classmates when I pull out my AR-15 during show-and-tell,” says sixth-grader Brett Owen. "Wear your mask, please!"
Until then, a GoFundMe has been started to help support struggling School Shooters. To date, it has raised $60, just $149,940 short of its $150,000 goal.
