Mass Shooter Hesitates Buying $17 Midnight Premiere Ticket, Checks Matinee Prices
The mass shooter community agrees: “Enough’s enough.”
Local mass shooter Bradley Hendriks, 16, came to a crossroads today when it was time to click “Purchase” on his ticket to Joker, where he planned on murdering everyone in attendance as soon as the movie began.
“I’m so fucking tired of living on this fucking planet,” whispered Hendriks as he frantically clicked through Fandango, quickly closing popups for Gemini Man, “I’m so fucking done with people. I hate all of them. I can’t wait to watch this fucking world burn to the fucking ground. I will make them pay for laughing at me—seventeen dollars?”
Hendriks finally conceded that maybe 10am on a Tuesday would be a better time to enact his manifesto since he could redeem a student discount. Still, he is just one of hundreds, probably thousands of young, promising movie theatre shooters across the country who have been discouraged by the rising prices of the silver screen. They’re forced to pass on the big ticket shows—such as IMAX and highly anticipated blockbuster premieres—and annihilate the guests at more modest screenings.
“It’s highway robbery,” said mass shooter Bradley Jenkins, 19, stroking his $899 AK-47, “Brands monopolizing Big Hollywood like AMC and Regal are just becoming unaffordable. And if you want a snack when you’re done blasting? Forget about it.”
Jenkins, who had been planning on shooting up the IMAX premiere of Avengers: Endgame, wasn’t able to afford the tickets and instead was relegated to completely destroying everyone at a sparsely attended screening of Shazam! (he got a voucher from his work.)
Still, the murderers are able to see the brighter side, admitting that the restrictions have allowed them to see a number of high quality, lesser known “auteur” films that may have not been played at the bigger chains.
“The Farewell, Parasite and Monos are three movies that I never heard of until I showed up to gun down every man, woman and child in the theatre,” said shooter Bradley Whitmore, 21, “But they were all pretty good! I highly recommend you support your local art-film theatre.”